My sweet angel

My sweet angel

Sunday, January 8, 2017


Are we ever truly at peace?  Or is there always something or someone you are worried about?  I went to church today with a heavy heart.  I was still sad about the contents described in my last blog.  But, as I listened to the sermon today, I realized I need to just let go and trust in God.  Even when people cause me pain.  He is always here and has plans for us all.

I prayed for peace from the anguish that resided in my heart from last post.  The wounds are scarring over, but that's it.  I forgive.  It's healthier and less stressful to forgive and it's the way God wants us to live our lives.  I've made mistakes, I've never said I'm perfect.  I'm not even close!  But when I say, "I'm sorry", I sincerely mean it.  And I've done that.  And I'm really not sure what the big deal is when I write about my life on here.  This is my outlet.  This is how I release my emotions, good or bad.  Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows people.  Therefore, I can't pretend to feel ways that I don't.  I also don't think it's fair to just write about the good things and not the bad.  People need to hear the bad.  They need to know they aren't alone on this earthly journey.  I know I do.

God gives us all a purpose.  I'm not sure what mine is yet, but I do know that I do my best to help relate to others going through these same emotions.  Hence, my bad days being posted.  I am sorry if anyone takes offense, but I have never mentioned a name or a relationship in a bad way.  I've praised my friends and family by name who have been here for me.

Yes, my last blog was written out of pure anger.  Yes, it is still up. Yes, I should've prayed more at the time before writing it.  I'm not taking it down because I want to be reminded of what words can come out of anger. And I can't guarantee I won't ever right a blog like that again, because I get angry sometimes.  I'm human.  I am not Jesus Christ.  I am not perfect.  No one is except for the man Himself.

God says we should "turn the other cheek".  That is much easier said than done.  But if you can forgive and move past the pettiness, why not?  Both parties apologize for words that cut deep and move forward.  It takes more energy to hate than to love.

I hope someone can take something away from these writings.  If not, I'll know that I was able to release my emotions and drive you all crazy and that will make me laugh a little inside because I'm a little sarcastic like that.

When you think about your situation, think about how it could always be worse.  I was reminded of that from the Everlast song today from 1998, "What it's Like".  It was the perfect song to remind me of how blessed I am.  It's not a very Christian song, but I'm not the perfect Christian.  And if something leads me to a life closer to Christ that may not be considered "Christian", so be it.

Thank you for all of the continuous prayers and words of encouragement when I needed them most.  Scans are coming up so please don't let up!

By the way, if you are looking for a tear jerker of a movie, you should definitely see "Miss You Already".  I swear Amanda Davis, it reminds me so much of our friendship.  Yes, I cried again today

God bless you all!

This is Amanda...This is Us


Thursday, January 5, 2017

Loss - Revised for language only

This is a heart breaking roller coaster that no one can understand unless you've lived.  One day you're happy, one day you just want to be done.  Well, today is one of those days.

Am I selfish?  Yes.  I wanted more children, I want to see Karley grow up, I want to be one of the old annoying drivers.  But little by little I get discouraged.  I get drained.  I feel like there is so much negativity surrounding me and it's really more than I can handle.

Notice I said "I" a lot because I'm selfish.  This isn't the way my world was supposed to turn out and people that I've loved just ripped my heart out and stomped on it into a million pieces today.  Because I'm selfish.  Because I don't ask enough questions about them.  I'm sorry, but I have a lot of stuff constantly running through my head, non-stop, to the point I can barely sleep, barely breath, and I try so very hard to hold it together so my loved ones don't feel bad.  For them.  I hold it together.

But you know what, that's sad. I'm done holding it together.  If you can't take me as I am, then get out of my life.  I promise you I will never contact you again.  I don't care what your excuse is, but when I go out of my way to be as nice as possible or need a little encouragement to get through the day, and you am ripped apart, Screw it.  I didn't do anything wrong and still say I'm sorry and I still continue to be cussed out?  Just forget it.  There is no going back.

I know this is satan's way of getting to me and he's doing a very good job with a little help.  I have cried as much today as the day my friend Roy died.  There's that "I" again.  All about me.

Guess what people, I still have cancer!  Shocker!  It's not active due to my drug but it sure isn't going any where. So I get to live every three months holding my breath, forever.  Knowing I could die at any moment.  So if I want to have a pity party for the rest of the month I will.  The only people I need to hold myself together for are the people I live with and  my family and friends.

Yes, cancer has taken away a great deal of things from me, but I will not let it take away my happiness.  So, like I said, I'm done with people who are so into their own little worlds that they can't or even try to comprehend what I live with emotionally every single day.  At least they don't have to worry about dying on their "kid".  And for those who couldn't have children, I'm so sorry.  Because they do make life worth living.  And I'm sorry for being selfish.  I have no excuse.

I feel better now.  I had to get that off my chest.  I'm so done with people thinking I'm okay.  I'm a train wreck.  I hold it together for the ones that help hold me together.

I took the language out because I was reminded that God wouldn't approve.  I retorted that I'm not Jesus and I'm a sinner.  God can forgive.  The only thing I took out was the language, the content is the same and I feel the same way.  I haven't changed the way I feel but will work towards that because it's not healthy to let someone in your life make you so very unhappy.  You have to walk in someone's shoes before you can really know their pain.  This is my outlet and I will not sugar coat it to make others "feel better". I get angry sometimes.  Take me as I am or don't let the door hit you on the way out.  I didn't ask for any of this and am trying to make the best of it.  But we all have our days and our moments where we can't deal and need those loved ones to be there for us, when they're not, it only makes it worse.  And I think I totally need the shirt at the end.  I think that about sums it up.  And just so you know, it's rare I have a bad day unless someone pushes me to that point, hence this post.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

2017 - A New Year!

Well, I spent the first day of the year watching the Falcons beat the Saints in the very last regular season game at the Georgia Dome with Team Draft.  It was bitter sweet.  I loved that dome and the memories I have and my family was with me, along with Chris Draft and company.  Thank you Chris for an amazing time and way to Rise Up Falcons!  I'm so glad they went out with a win.

Also, I made a new resolution.  I'm going to quit living like I'm dying.  So, I traded in my Escape for a Jeep and the payments are minimal.  I called SSDI about possibly working again.  I gave back to the church who has so graciously helped me in the past. Although, I probably can't afford these things, I'm not going to wait around until I can, because that day may never come.  I can afford them today, and that's what matters.  They say money doesn't buy you happiness, but retail therapy sure as hell makes you feel a lot better!

I'm thankful to be here.   2017!  Diagnosed in 2012! I didn't, in a million years, think that I would see this New Year, but God has blessed me beyond belief.  I'm so happy to have my family and friends whom I wouldn't trade for the world.

Thank you for your continuous prayers and please keep them up, I need them!  Things can change in an instant, but I'll \play Scarlett O'Hara on that one, "I'll think about that tomorrow".

God bless you all and hope your year is fabulous.  Mine is off to a pretty good start!

Friday, December 30, 2016

What we leave behind...

Well, tomorrow is the last day of 2016.  I've always been sad when a new year starts.  I'm not sure why.  I feel like it's the fact I'm moving on with my life and some people will remain forever in 2016.

It was a bittersweet year.  I married to the best man a woman could ask for.  We had a fabulous time and I'm so blessed for this family I have now.  We've made some incredible memories, visiting Chicago, Myrtle Beach, the mountains, and finally New York.  New Year's Day we will go to the final game the Atlanta Falcons will play in the Dome with Christ Draft.

Here is the sad part.  Some people won't continue on with us into 2017.  I know it's just another day and year, but it feels like more than that.  I feel like I'm leaving them behind.  Whether it be due to death or just the loss of a friendship.

One of those is Roy Reynolds.  I don't feel like celebrating a New Year.  The end of 2016 makes it so final.  As it does for Ms. Ruby, my makeshift grandmother.  So, this year I'll be going to bed early.  No celebrating for me.  I'm blessed to be alive and I do celebrate that and am thankful to have known them, but I can't be totally happy. They both made such a difference in my life.  They helped me appreciate the little things, and not take loved ones for granted.  There may be no tomorrow for them, or you  I understand Ms. Ruby had lived her life and was ready.  I don't think Roy was ready.  He was too young.  The world lost an amazing man this year, and tomorrow is the last day of the year. God had other plans for this vibrant young soul.  Oh how I miss that smile.  I know they may not be physically here, but they will always be in my heart, and that makes things a little easier.

I know,I'm a weirdo, but I've always felt this way about New Year's.  Sometimes it's hard to leave your past, but life goes on and so should I, no matter how hard it may be.  I won't be up until midnight, that's for sure.

Thank you God for your grace in sparing me another year and thank you all for your continuous prayers.  May you have a wonderful New Year and count your blessings.  You never know when your life could change in the matter of a minute.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Bad Blood

Family.  What does it mean?  Well, it can mean different things to different people.   But to break down my thoughts, this is what it means to me.

Family may or may not be blood.  Just because they are blood, does not mean you have to accept them as family and just because they are not blood doesn't mean you can't consider them family.  When people marry, for instance, they aren't blood related, but they become a family.

Everyone says, "friends will come and go but family will always be there".  Well, I've come to feel like this isn't necessarily true in the traditional "blood relative" setting. Side note - I'm not referring to my family, they are great.  But the way I've seen how some children treat their parents and vice versa is upsetting.  I don't ever like to get involved in anyone's business, but sometimes I can't help it.

I've witnessed a friend, whom I consider family, go through this hardship with her "blood relative".  It makes me feel helpless.  The most I can do is support her as much as possible.

It's like the old story of the man watching his neighbor beat or berate his wife outside in front of the entire neighborhood.  Do you go help her or do you ignore it and let her be beaten or berated so badly, she is damaged forever?  This can be emotionally or physically.

I'm sorry, but I'm the person that tries to help.  That is in my blood.  That is in the blood of my "family".   My family consists of not only blood relatives, but lifelong friends who I know would (in the words of this ClayCo girl) "take a bullet for me".  Sorry, you can take the girl out of Clayco....

I love my family in Atlanta and here.  And I would do anything for them.  Loyalty, love, support, trust, sacrifice, honesty, protection, acceptance, security, compromise, gratitude, and respect is what makes a family, not your genetic disposition.

I know this is lame, but in the words of Taylor Swift, "band-aids don't fix bullet holes, you say sorry just for show.  If you live like that you live with ghosts".  This has to be my favorite Taylor Swift song because she is so raw and honest.  She talks about the pain someone like family can cause.  You can't always just say you're "sorry".  Your actions have to prove it.  And if you hurt my "family", I'm not so forgiving.  It's one of the sins I know I commit, and I try to control, but I can't.

Thanks for listening to me vent, which is in no way related to cancer, because life isn't always about cancer.  It's about love.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Merry Christmas

I just woke up, feeling like I got hit by a mac truck, but I didn't and I'm here, with my family and seeing more of them tonight. This is the first Christmas Karley has been out of state for.  We aren't waking up with a tree and presents all neatly wrapped.

But we are waking up.  All together in this amazing place that has been such an experience.  Many of you know New York was the last city on my bucket list.  I'm not going to make another one.  If we go, we go.  As long as we're together.  

Christmas isn't about Christmas trees or gifts, but it's still my favorite holiday and will always be magical in my eyes.  It celebrates the birth of our savior, the one who is constantly saving all of us.  By His grace I'm still here to wake up this morning with my loved ones.  That can't be bought. I want these girls to know the true meaning of Christmas.   Because this has been the best.  

And hats off to the Rockettes for their Christmas Spectacular and not leaving the true meaning of Christmas out. 

I know some of you are hurting, you may have lost someone or they're sick.  I'm sorry.  I'm sure today is hard.  But just remember that you're not alone.  No matter how much you feel you are.  He died for us and is always here, no matter what we are going through.

So from our family to yours, Merry Christmas.  Thank you for your continuous prayers and most importantly, thank you God for sending your son to die for us so that we may truly live an eternal life.  Thank you for allowing me to be here with my family one more year.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Sometimes it Just Sucks

Alright, a few days ago I wrote a really sad post on here. I took it down because I think everyone thought I was going to jump off of a bridge.  No way.   Let me warn you, that blogs like that are gonna happen from time to time, especially the longer I ride this roller coaster.  Like I read the other day, about the old man who shares his thoughts on grief and my friend Brandy always says, "it comes in waves" and you never know when they're coming.  To me I'm like a bipolar person some days.  I'll be happy one minute and the next crying.  Why?  Because I'm still grieving, that will never cease.

People say that time makes the grief easier to deal with, but when you live with a terminal illness the waves get bigger, not smaller as time goes by.  The anxiety and chances of your next scan not turning out well can be overwhelming.  It's a constant trauma I've lived with for over 4 years, and will do so for the rest of my life.  At least that's how I feel about it.  Others may be different, and that's perfectly normal.

But I've LIVED with it.  I'm not giving up, I'm LIVING,  As my oncologist says, "this is as good as it gets".  I may have tumors, but they aren't currently active.  And by the Grace of God, they will continue that path.  And by living, I've done and seen more in my short lifespan so far than most do in a full long life time.  And for that, I'm blessed beyond measure.  

But you must understand, I will have my moments where I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.  There are times I feel like I don't want to live this way emotionally anymore but they always pass.  I would never do anything to leave my family and my girl.  So, when I get all emotional in a blog, please don't worry.  It is what I'm feeling in that moment.  The good, the bad, the raw and ugly emotions that sometimes come out.  I write because it's a release and I share that with others, because I know some of you are going through similar situations and maybe it helps to know that you aren't alone.  But we are all different, we see things differently and our lives are different.

I know the holidays can be especially difficult, not only for the terminally ill, but those with a loved one who are terminally ill.  The thought is, "will this be the last Christmas/holiday season".  And for those who had the loss of a loved one before the holiday season, this can be very emotional and traumatic.  So when you're out buying gifts and getting frustrated with other people, the lines, the traffic, think of this.  You don't know what that other person is going through.  

You would think I'm fine, in fact I know some of you do.  "Oh, she has no active cancer, she's fine".  No, that's not how this works.  And I've learned to be more sensitive because I am surviving and some of you reading this blog lost someone.  And for that, I am so sorry, it sucks, and I am praying for God to give you that peace that only He can.  Take some time to reflect and get that cry out.  It's okay to cry.  The scars we have are proof we lived and that we loved deeply.  Wear them with pride and when people tell you, "it's gonna be okay", you may know it's not.  But they mean well and quite frankly don't know what else to say.  I've just begun saying, "that sucks".  Because sometimes it does just suck and I'm not going to lie and tell you it's going to be okay.  There's only one who knows that and He's not telling His plan.  But if you can be strong enough to sit back and give your anxiety, depression, and worry over to Him, I promise you will feel better.  The problem is, it's so hard to do.  I'm guilty of not doing it so many times, I try to take it all on myself.  The truth is, I just can't.  Sometimes I just need that friend to talk to too.  And more importantly, I need to let go of what I can't control.

I've lost this year, one of those friends to talk to.  I loved him, and it comes in waves, the grief I still have.  But I don't want it to stop, just lessen, because I know I will never forget him. Places I go, people I talk to, they remind me of him.   The grief reminds me of him.  He's one of my scars, and a pretty big one too.       

So, I hope you all have the best holiday season and Christmas possible.  And don't forget the reason for the season...hint....uh, it's not gifts.  When asking the girls if they would rather have gifts, or spend Christmas in New York (last city on my bucket list), they chose New York.  So, we will be together over Christmas sharing some incredible memories.  

Thank you for your continuous prayers and please take a moment and pray for those who have lost or are going through a hard time right now.  The holidays are great for so many, but suck for others.  Pray for the others.  I know I am.

But that doesn't stop me from Christmas Shopping!

This is Brandy, about the waves.  I don't know who the old man is...

My favorite verse

My sister displaying true love....sorry sister.  Love you!

It's really hard to be thankful for the hard times, but these words do ring true.