Today is my official 10 year Cancerversary. The doctors gave me a year to live. NEVER LISTEN TO THEIR PROJECTIONS. Let me tell you why.
I was preparing for the past 10 years to die. I saved money for Karley, but not myself. I've planned for Karley's college, but not my future. Of course I had somewhat of a plan beginning this year. It was a plan that got me through until Thanksgiving. That's when it completely fell apart. So, it's just myself and the dogs, and I'm so lost.
My disability will not cover somewhere where I can keep both of them but they love each other so much. I can't bare to separate them. I had someone I was going to live with. Someone that has let me down in the past, but of course, I trusted too much. I wanted to be able to be at peace for the time I really get sick and need help.
I've since come to learn, I'm alone. My sister is in San Diego and my mother isn't going to live forever, we are all getting older, but to say I'm scared is an understatement. I'm terrified. I can't think of anything else other than hospital hospice.
I didn't plan for it or want it and there is no way I'm making Karley take care of me. I want her to live life to the fullest, not be bogged down with my issues.
I've been let down before, but the realization that I must move in 7 months, alone, is just kicking in. Thank you God for Xanax. I plan on leaving this area and am going to head north since my mom is in Atlanta.
When you trust someone with your future when you have cancer, you should be able to fully trust them. Honestly, it's so shameful to let down someone with this disease. And it's not just that person. So many people think, "10 years, she's fine, she survived". But, that's not true. The cancer lays dormant and can come back at any time. So, both the person I loved and my very best friend have both abandoned me, or let me down to the point they would be toxic in my life.
I keep questioning God what I did to deserve this. I try to help people to the point I get overwhelmed. You can really only count on yourself in this world. Put your faith in God and see where it takes you. These next few months should be interesting. I get to put a whole new future plan together, after living here for 17 years.
I'm happy I am here to see Karley graduate. It was another milestone I needed to accomplish. And to all those who I've loved that have gone before me, I feel somewhat guilty. You can't help but feel survivors guilt when you've lost so many friends.
Anyways, these are my thoughts for tonight. The Pirates of the Spanish Main did the second annual white ribbon project on the island today. I plan on writing a whole separate blog about that in a few days.
Otherwise, just realize not only do I feel survivors guilt, I'm also trying to figure out how to survive. Please enjoy these pics of Senior night at Glynn Academy Volleyball. Our girls made it to the elite eight in the state but they all caught the flu and had no energy! Still super proud of them making it this far!
By the way, Riley Mansfield and Karley are so close that I couldn't even look at the two of them without crying, or Alyssa, Riley's mom. They've played together so long and Riley leaves for Tulane in January, the day before Karley's birthday. I have loved the love these girls have had for each other from Karate when little to volleyball throughout.
You can pinpoint the exact moment I started crying. On the overhead, they said, "when asking Karley who is her biggest inspiration, she said 'my parents'". It's in the pictures. I don't think I stopped because they asked Riley what the best part about playing volleyball has been, they announced that she said, "The friendships that you make". And she and Karley just looked at each other. I was a hot mess that night. I didn't stop crying.
Life is a rollercoaster. And I cherish every second of these moments when I get to be here for things I wasn't supposed to be here for. And I give all the glory to God.
I also promise to start blogging more. How else are you all to know where I end up! I'll update the white ribbon project Wed. or Thur. In the meantime, God bless!
