According to an article from Dec. 14, 2021. from the attached link about the psychological effects of losing a parent as a grown child can change you forever. Grief and the effect
I am perfectly aware of the circle of life. I know that we all will one day go on to be with the Lord. And there will be no more sorrow or pain. And I know that one day we will see our loved ones again. But does knowing this really make it easier?
Since I got a lung cancer diagnosis 9 years ago, I've had two people that have been my rocks. My parents have been with me through everything. This is because my life is divided into two parts. Before cancer and after cancer.
Time after time, month after month, for 9 years I've been losing friends to this disease. At this point, I don't think I can mentally handle involvement with more lung cancer patient relationships. Yet, they are the people that understand so I need them.
As to my question about knowing the circle of life and having the faith that I have, does it make the death easer? I really thought it would I've lost loved ones throughout these 9 years. And each one has taken a little bit of my heart.
This year I'm dealing with the unexpected loss of my father. My hero, protector, comforter, and my person. I'm not taking anything away from my mom. She first and foremost has been by my side every single step of the way. Everything I've been through, she has been there.
In the beginning, my father was too. I remember how painful gamma knife radiation was after they removed the screws from my head without pain relief. I've never screamed in pain. I did that day and I thought my dad was going to jump over the nurses desk and attack them. So I sent my mom, she can be a little more tactful.
But, my mom and sister both know that I inherited my father's bluntness, quick to anger, but also quick to help anyone in need to the point it puts my own health at risk.
So, after making plans for his birthday (May 15) on March 27th at around 8:04 p.m., I had no inkling that would be the last time I would speak to him. He sounded so happy and healthy even though I knew he was getting weaker and during covid we had him stop going to my appointments.
LOOKING BACK
Every year I've been at my mom's on Christmas and then driven the 5 minutes to my dads to see him. There was no question, it was like clockwork. I would be in Atlanta. But my mom got very ill. She's still battling a bit so prayers for her would be much appreciated.
Instead, I've been home by myself since Christmas. I hung my dads old stocking under his urn and sat it in view of the Christmas tree. I think Christmas was always our favorite time of year. He would continuously watch "A Christmas Story". I don't know how he didn't have it memorized. He would drive my mom crazy with, "she still loves me, my betroved".
I believe they came back in each others lives because of my diagnosis. And they never stopped truly loving each other. And finally, my first bit of good news about my tumors shrinking came in December 2014 over the holidays. My dad never took his tree down after that news. He said it would stay up until I beat this.
The most recent scan I got showed no tumors or bright lights, and my SUV level was at 1.8. Above 2.0 is indicative of cancer. He was supposed to be here for that news. He would've been elated, yet he passed away worrying about me like always. I finally took down his tree and donated it to a 2nd grade class. He would've wanted to still bring love to all of those children. It was ironic that Karley was in that grade when I was diagnosed.
THE GRIEF MAKES YOU CRAZY WITHOUT SUPPORT
Psychologists have nailed it when it comes to grief and the stages. It's only as if the stages never end. They make you feel crazy. Every case is different. In my case I've just wanted support. Friends to acknowledge my loss and check on me. But I know it's the holidays and everyone is busy, but a few people I consider dear friends don't understand my need to be surrounded by love right now.
I know I have the support from my mom who is sick 5 hours away and my sister in San Diego, but they aren't processing it the same way. My mom has been so sick and my sister has two little ones. I remember it being all about Karley in that way too. It would have been a great distraction.
But shes on vacation with her boyfriend now and next Christmas she will be a senior.]
So for the first time in my entire life, I am alone for Christmas and New Years. I felt like I had friends that would be supportive. I'm not talk about Amanda and the ones that have always been there. I needed a distraction from today. But I'm not getting one so am about to go back to sleep.
I suffer already suffer from PTSD which makes the loss harder, and the fact I talked to him the night he died.
When a parent dies unexpectedly , you tend remain in anger and denial longer, often leading to major depressive disorder or PTSD. And having those already is like a walking bombshell. It increase them.
And then some of your "friends" make you feel crazy. They haven't suffered this loss yet though so how can they judge the way I'm my processing. In reality, they cant understand and call me petty and dramatic and other many other things.
But this isn't true, losing a parent so close can make you feel crazy One minute you're happy and the next sad and the next angry. And you can only pray to have the support you need. Especially over the holidays. I did so good until now. Because tomorrow, my dad will have not existed in that year. I feel like I'm leaving him behind. It's an awful feeling. Though a part of me will always be with him and him with me, I can't help but feeling this way.
So, I'm not celebrating. I'm sleeping. And maybe I'll see him again one last time this year. There are no rules on how to grieve. But having support is so important. When you don't, you feel like things are spiraling out of control and you are helpless.
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