This Sucks

So, it's nearly 1 am.  My scan is tomorrow so I'll need to be up around 7:45 a.m.  I can't sleep.  This past week I've been sick, had pain below my right rib, and my memories on Facebook have been the last ones I have of both Nicole and Kelly. 

Those who follow my blog know who they are, but for those who don't, they were my two closest lung cancer friends who left us last year.  I was supposed to go visit Kelly last year at the end of June, but I got sick and her health kept declining. 

And I don't know how in the hell I'm supposed to deal with so much loss.  Kelly was my soul sister and Stephanie has surly joined that club now, they will love each other but never replace each other in my heart.  I thank God every day for Him sending Stephanie to me, even though it's selfish and she doesn't deserve this either.  She too has young ones.

No one deserves this.  No one deserves to live like this.  It's not just Kelly and Nicole who left.  It's Courtney, Ray, Chris, Karen, Molly, Mandi, Shermaine, Paul, Joan and so many more that left this world too damn soon.  They had children, some of them very young.

And I know I should be grateful to still be here, it is so damn hard to lose so many.  The ones I named are not even a 10th of the people that have gone on.  It's so hard talking to someone, knowing it's the end on earth for them.  And sometimes I don't reach out because I don't know what the hell to say.   But know this, I will always be here for you to talk too.  Just DM me on Facebook.  You're not alone feeling this way.

I'm living for my daughter.  Now she's a teenager and man, it is way more depressing because she's struggling for independence.  I remember that age.

So, for now, all I can do is cry for all of you out there that have lost someone, that are dealing with a this (both family and patient).  Know that I'm praying for you too.

Survivor's guilt sucks.  I've always felt God gives me signs.  So, both Nicole and Kelly showing up in my memories makes me a little uneasy. 

But once again, I'm going to say my prayers and have faith in whatever God has planned for me.  I'm both a pessimist and optimist of this disease.  It seems I'm never happy with the results, which is selfish too.  I really need to quit with the selfishness and turn things over to God.  It's harder than I make it seem sometimes.  But when I actually do it, a peace takes over that I can't explain.

God bless you all and thank you again for the prayers.  When I can't sleep..I write.  So I just laid it all out there for you.  Now that this is off my chest, maybe I can sleep. 

These are my people.  On earth and in heaven.  The emotional toll is the worst.