Lost

I know I promised my next blog would be about our trip to D.C., but I'm not feeling joyful enough to write about it.  In fact, it's been a while since I've felt very happy.  I've had headaches off and on since November.  They come and go and I currently don't have one.

These headaches can be debilitating.  And, of course when you're in pain, everything is worse.  I had a brain MRI which was clean.  Next month I'll be getting a CT scan of my sinus cavity to see if there is a clogged duct.

These reasons are not why I feel lost.  It feels like my life is slowly fading away.  People that once tried to help and cared don't anymore because I've been living with this disease for over 6 years.  Let me tell you, the longer you live, the harder it is, and the more support you need.  I'm telling this to the people in my life in through this blog because I'm too much of a wuss to say it to your face.

I see everyone carrying on without me, as if my existence meant nothing to them.  As if I didn't give birth to this amazing child and care for her through the very toughest parts of her life.  I was there for every surgery, every cold, up every night through every fever, every emergency room visit.  I took her to every doctor's appointment until she was about 7. 

I was there for the hardest parts and now that she's older, I feel like other people are stepping in as if I didn't do a thing.  I know this probably stems from my fear of leaving her and is all in my mind.  This is my blog and my outlet so I'm letting it out.Thankfully, she will never let anyone replace me as her mom. 

I'm so proud of the young lady she is becoming.  We had honor's night at her middle school for the last time.  Of course I cried, she's going to high school.  I've always felt it was the two of us forever.  I'm learning to let go, but I won't lie and say it doesn't hurt.  I hope she will always know how much I've loved her and will continue to do so and be here for her until the Lord calls me home.  I will always be with her though.

I guess I could've been given an easier life, but I wasn't.  So, real talk.  I am and will always be your mom Karley.  I carried you, gave birth to you, held you first, loved you first, and I always will.  No matter what comes along.  I loved you first, before you were even born.  One day, you'll grow up and have children of your own and understand just how great my love is for you.