The Neverending Catch 22

Well, Happy July everyone!  I am officially 5.5 years into this Lung Cancer club.  Don't get me wrong.  The people are amazing.  But this club SUCKS. I was sick practically the entire month of June.  I was falling asleep constantly, not remembering anything, and really making no sense when people tell me what I messaged.  One night I woke up singing a song from "The Little Mermaid".   Ummmm....I don't know.  Really.  Anyway....

So, you get diagnosed and begin to grasp at every long term lung cancer story you can find.   Because you want to survive.  It's natural.  Finally you find those people.  Some are very long term, some are just starting out like you.  With these people, you feel like you are understood.  Finally, someone who knows I look healthy and normal and I'm not just being lazy, but am exhausted from the meds or whatever else is going on at the time.  They get that I chill at home a lot.  They get I'm not supermom or working my butt off somewhere to feed my child.  They get that my goal is to survive to raise my child.  They get it.  Caregivers get it too.  Except sometimes I think it's worse for them as well as close family and friends, because they are the ones left behind when the other shoe drops, which breaks my heart.

But lung cancer patients have that fear too.  They get left behind too.  We develop these close friendships with each other.  Depend on each other for support and understanding, and then, one day, one of us is gone.

I can't begin to tell you how many friends I've lost to this disease or the emotional damage it really has done.  I am at the point where I'm afraid to lose any friends.  Not just to death, but in life.  It's really a mental issue with me now I think.  I'm afraid my friends will forget me because I can't go do all that they can and my lung cancer friends will die.  I can't not be friends with cancer people.  That's not fair to them or me.  They, as well as I, want to be happy and need the support.  At the same time, it is literally gut wrenching to lose a close one.  It's another scar on my heart.

So, what do I do?  I will be alone if I stray from the lung cancer community.  But if I stay, I'll continue to get hurt with the losses.  I'm going to stay.  Because I really believe that each of these people deserve the same love and compassion as anyone else, despite the scars I may acquire.  I love the following quotes:

"Maybe life isn't about avoiding the bruises, maybe it's about collecting the scars to prove we showed up for it' - unknown

Another is by one of the longest lung cancer survivors I know of, I have several of his books.  Greg Anderson - "Cancer opens many doors.  One of the most important is your heart".

So, though I lose people, I'm strong.  It's devastating and each time it takes me a little longer to recover.  But I have faith I will see them again. I have to hold on to that to make it through this.

Thanks for listening, and thank you for your continuous prayers.  Please continue to pray for my friend Kelly, a lc patient, and my soul sister, that is having a hard time right now and my best friend Amanda and her family along with another lc patient friend, Ray.  Wth, pray for us all!  I remember choosing Kelly a few years back to write a blog about during lung cancer awareness month.  I guess that's where our friendship began. I'll try to get a happier post up if I can get my teenage daughter out of the house!  She hates the beach now.  We live on an island....smh.

God bless you all