The Blank White

My entire life, I've occasionally had the same dream, whether sleeping or daydreaming about my future.  It's white. It's blank, warm and bright white.  It doesn't make me happy or sad, it just is.  I guess that's why I didn't know what to major in while in college.  I just chose a degree that would be the easiest with my classes and went with it.  I had a passion for law and I loved math.  But the white, it always gave me an uneasy feeling.  I never really imagined having a family, or a successful job, or anything.  Just white.

So, when I found out I was pregnant with Karley, I had been accepted into the graduate program at Georgia State.  I never thought I could do both.  I chose Karley.  Not because I wanted the white to go away, it didn't bother me.  Maybe it's normal.  I chose Karley because I loved her before I knew her.  I still see the white when I think about my future.  I never saw Karley coming, so it could mean nothing.  But, I still see the white.

Almost two months before I was diagnosed with lung cancer via a brain tumor, I was taking a break with a co-worker.  I had been so tired and consistently late.  I was in charge, so it didn't matter I guess.  But, as we were talking, back in 2012 when that Mayan calendar ran out and people were rumoring the world would end in December of 2012, I almost believed it.  I sat talking to him, late September or early October, and as we were talking, I said, "I really believe I'm dying or the world is coming to an end in December.  It's one or the other, but either way, I don't see my future and I can feel it".  Of course he laughed it off, we both did.  Then, things just got worse.

I turned 33 on October 31st that year.  John and I always took turns watching Karley for our birthdays so we could go out with friends.  This year was different.  My company, and plenty of bars, were having Halloween parties and it was FL/GA weekend.  So much fun to be had.  But, I didn't want to do anything.  I went home and slept after we took her trick-or-treating.  I was exhausted.

Less than a month later, the pain from the brain tumor became unbearable and after the many misdiagnosis here, I visited my family in Atlanta for Thanksgiving.  That was the week they found the brain tumor, I learned I had stage 4 lung cancer, and I learned that all along, I had been dying a lot more quickly than the average person.  We all die, but somehow, I feel like I've known.

Science is great and God is great and both have kept me around for so long.  Lately I've been experiencing a lot of pain in my legs, so have tried everything from extra water, tonic water, bananas, to potassium and magnesium supplements.  This is my 6th year living with stage 4 lung cancer.  And yes, we are all dying, we just don't know when that will happen.  I could outlive you reading this.  But realistically, there is not cure.   And to know that, it's a bummer...  But I don't think the leg cramps are gonna take me out.

I'm going to visit my regular doctor tomorrow, who will then tell me to go so my oncologist or order a bone scan.  It's the never ending money pit of cancer.  I think it's just one of the many side effects of the targeted therapy I'm on that will come and go. I feel like I do know my body well enough now.

So, maybe all the white is just my lack of motivation, or could it be more?  I guess only time will tell.  I just wonder if any of you out there experience the same thing when thinking of your future or try to imagine it?  It's always been this way for me.  The bible has told of many premonitions throughout history, so I don't not believe it....  I would love the feedback.  And live in the moment, things can always get worse.  Like Josh nearly chopping his finger off...

Thank you all for your continuous prayers and please continue to pray for Kelly and Ray.  Love you all and God Bless.