Is Santa Real?

"With courage you will dare to take risks, 

have the strength to be compassionate,

and the wisdom to be humble. 

Courage is the foundation of integrity" - Mark Twain

The problem with having this courage, it can be a very lonely world.  Not many people think about this being their last day on earth.  It's a hard pill to swallow.  But, it's amazing to me how many people are so certain of their tomorrows.  I'm not.  Therefore, I love deeply and forgive easily.  I thought some of my best friends were just like me, but I was wrong.  Living with this is probably the loneliest you'll ever feel in your lifetime.  

In the beginning, people you haven't talked to since elementary school come out of the woodwork, praying for you, wanting to meet up with you, etc.  But the longer you live, the more fade away, until there is nothingness.  You are tired because your body is in a constant fight.  You aren't that fun person you used to be, so those friends move on.

That's when you realize, you have God.  In that moment, you are humbled.  I used to be a totally different person.  Work first, family second, God third or fourth.  I look back and think about how I used to be and literally get down on my knees to thank God for leading me to this moment, where I will take risks and have the strength to be compassionate.  To not hold a grudge, and to forgive no matter what. 

So, I may have lost some of the best friends I've ever had.  And I would be lying through my teeth if it didn't feel like someone stabbed me with a jagged edged sword and keeps twisting it over and over, because that's what it feels like.  The loneliness can be over powering at times where I just go to sleep to not feel anymore.  In all honesty, I feel like God is the only one who hasn't abandoned or forsaken me most days.

Thank you all for your continuous prayers, and I do pray that none of you has to feel this loneliness or despair.  Of course I will have good and bad days.  Today is just a bad day.  It's like finding out Santa isn't real.  That's the way it was for me today.  Some relationships aren't real.  Some of my nearest and dearest are gone, and right now I think I need the Lord to hold me instead of just holding my hand.  I'll be better tomorrow, God bless you all.  I just had to get my emotions out.  This is how I do that now so please....don't be mad at me for it or think it pertains to you.  If I held these emotions in, I would implode.