I have to admit, I've been a basketcase these past few days. Overly sensitive is an understatement. I guess you can say it's understandable, but there's more. It's getting worse with every scan. I know with every day, I'm a day closer to tarceva not working. I've always been a "plan b" kind of person. I know there are new drugs already out there and on the horizon. But, even with so much opportunity, this disease breaks you down. My anxiety continues to get worse near scan times. This time I cried like I had been diagnosed all over again before I got my results. Why? No idea.
I should be down on my knees praising God for this time, and I will. But, I feel like I'm still living on borrowed time. The emotional toll cancer takes on us is unimaginable. I know some caregivers and patients know what I'm talking about. It's just hard to explain to everyone else. It's awful.
I guess my biggest fear is, and always has been, not being here for Karley. That has been at the forefront of all of my thoughts every second of the day lately. So, my best friend, Amanda, calmed me down Thursday night by suggesting a journal for Karley. Not just this blog, but anytime I think of something I want her to know, write it in the journal. That way it's more personalized. I tried to make videos in the past but couldn't get through them without breaking down.
Let me just say, with lung cancer, I'm not sure I'll ever stop grieving. I jump from one stage to another. The good days, I'm in the acceptance phase. And I have hope on those days as well. But I still get angry, bargain with God, depressed, and flat out refuse to believe this is my life now. Don't think I'm like this every day though. Most days I'm rainbows and butterflies.... (ok, so don't ask my old co-workers about that).
But this is real. This is my life and I'm blessed to have it. Don't think I've lost hope or am sad just because I write a post like this. This will always be my life (unless one of you can find a stinking cure!).
It's just normal to have anxiety and depression, especially close to scan time. So, every three months, know that I will be super crazy and if you're my family or friend, just go with it. Because I am still here, I'm not going to stop fighting, but I may get a little crazy!
Amanda posted this from Inspire. I loved it so much, I thought it was appropriate for everyone out there fighting cancer. Don't give up. Pick yourself up and keep going.
Thank you so much for all of your continued support and prayers. I can never thank you enough.
Matthew 19:26
"But Jesus looked at them and said to them, 'With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible'"
You know what, I think it's ridiculously hard to live with a Stage IV cancer diagnosis and live your life with the same level of joy as before. Yes, you may savor every moment that much more, but you also wake up every single day wondering if that will be the day it all comes crashing down. Sure, we should ALL feel that way because you never do know what tomorrow will bring - but ignorance is bliss. We live far happier knowing that death is some abstract concept out in the distance and we just assume it's not something to consider until a couple decades after retirement. But when a doctor moves that date up by several decades - even when you are NED, it's brutally hard.
ReplyDeleteI hate cancer. I hate disease and mothers even having to worry about leaving their babies behind. And babies that have to lose their mothers!
Sky...I totally agree with you 100%. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It is ridiculous, and a horrible disease. I wish I had that blissful ignorance again....❤️
DeleteBy the way, something tells me you have many, many years left of scanxiety, because thanks to advances in drugs and stem cells, you may live in health decades longer than you ever imagined. Yeap, that's what I feel and I'm sticking to it! :)
DeleteI have been following your sweet blog with much empathy. My 35 year old daughter has your very same LC diagnosis. Stage four , EGFR mutation. Tarceva quit working for her after about seven months. ( she was diagnosed Dec. 2013) Scans are the worst !!! It is hard for people to understand that. The peace of God is evident in your posts , along with your raw honesty . Bless you and may God grant you many more years. Love to you and your precious daughter.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much coconut. How is your daughter now? God does give me peace most days. Sometimes it's hard, as you know. God bless you for reaching out and I'll be praying for your family.
DeleteMy daughter is on chemo every three weeks and last scan was good. All but two brain mets gone. No growth in lung. The liver has shrunk , as well . She is amazing..... still home schools her children, sometimes from bed. She and her husband have four children two to eight years old. The baby was eight months old at diagnosis .
DeleteWow. Your daughter sounds amazing and so strong!! We will be praying for your family. Such a terrible disease.
DeletePraying for you too!!
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