Bad things happen to good people

Well, the roller coaster hit the high and is heading down for a brief moment, hopefully only a moment.  I've been asking myself why bad things happen to good people?

It's horrible that all of this has happened to so many of us.  These illnesses that are beyond our control and sometimes unstoppable.

But, as a Christian, I believe that this life on earth is only the land of shadows, and real eternal life has yet to begin.  The end is really our beginning.  This doesn't make things easier on our loved ones, or even ourselves when we think of people we are leaving behind.  I'm not necessarily speaking about myself here, because I'm doing okay for now with my treatment I'm praying.

I think a lot of suffering is a test to our faith in God.  Faith doesn't always mean you will live or things will go the way you planned.  It means that you believe He knows what He is doing.  There is a reason for all that will happen.  It doesn't mean we have to be happy about it, but we can do the best we can to accept it.  Life can change so quickly, I can't emphasize that enough.  Please don't worry about the little things and tell your loved ones how much they are loved every day.  You never know when it may be your last.

Please remember the following people in your prayers:  Reggie Kimbell, Marjorie Polk, Tim Gravitt, Shelley Miller, Sheila Hodges, Peggy Fogerty, Gretchen Mitchell Anderson, Dylan Rosier and James Robert Smith.  They still all have their own battles.

Please pray for strength and peace for Marjorie and her family right now.  She is having a fundraiser October 5th.  Please see Marjorie's Fundraiser to find out more information.

Additionally, Reggie still has an active fundraiser to help pay his medical bills.  It's at Reggie's Fundraiser.  Reggie is the reason I had to blog tonight.  It seemed like everything was okay, but now it's up in the air.  Reggie really needs our prayers right now.  I love you my friend!

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers throughout my journey too. I still have my faith and continue to believe that all of this is part of God's plan for me, wherever that may take me.  We all have our trials and tribulations, but are never alone, even in our darkest hour.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Don't worry.....

Since my last post a few things have happened.  My dear friend Jennifer lost her mother unexpectedly last week.  Thanks to our wonderful church, St. Simons Community Church, Chris Borsky had a beautiful service and Jen didn't have to worry about too much.  Also, her friends at Bonefish Grill raised money to help cover the funeral expenses.  She has such a great support system and is loved by so many.  We said our final goodbyes Tuesday morning at the beach.
   

Please keep Jennifer in your prayers.  She is very much loved.

Gretchen got some good news, they were able to remove 100% of the cancer according to her last scan.  Please continue to pray for her though, we all know how cancer is and we don't want it back!

My prayer list keeps growing and please remember the following people in your prayers:  Reggie Kimbell, Marjorie Polk, Tim Gravitt, Shelley Miller, Sheila Hodges, Peggy Fogerty, Dylan Rosier and James Robert Smith.  They still all have their own battles.

Most of all, please pray for strength and peace for Marjorie and her family right now.  She is having a fundraiser October 5th.  Please see Marjorie's Fundraiser to find out more information.

Additionally, Reggie still has an active fundraiser to help pay his medical bills.  It's at Reggie's Fundraiser.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers throughout my journey too.  I know this blog wasn't much about me, but there isn't much to report.  I still have my faith and continue to believe that all of this is part of God's plan for me.  I truly enjoy helping others, so if my purpose is to make a difference in even one person's life, then it's all worth it.  We all have our trials and tribulations, but are never alone, even in our darkest hour.  As you can tell, the roller coaster is going up right now....

My next PetScan is Sept. 20th.  I'm praying for good results, but I'm not worried.  Everything is in God's hands.

Just a reminder...

Matthew 6:27
"Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

Free to Breathe and More

I wanted to start this blog by thanking a group of people that I left out on my last entry, the members of my church, St. Simons Community Church.  Our Senior Pastor, David Yarborough, brought me a prayer quilt a few weeks ago from the church.  A woman at the church makes them and members of the church pray over them.  He also brought a Livestrong bracelet that a member of the church had worn during his fight with cancer.  He said that bracelet was given to him by someone else fighting cancer and it always made him feel he wasn't alone.  All of their love, kindness, and generosity literally made me cry later that evening.  I've slept with the quilt ever since...

This past Friday I had my 3 month MRI of the brain.  It was clear once again.  Praise God!  I will still go every 3 months for MRI's for the next year.  Then we can go for every 6 months, etc.  I love my neurologist and staff so I don't mind these at all.  My PetScan scheduled for mid September will show how active the cancer is and if it's spread so we continue to pray for it to just go away!

On Saturday, the National Lung Cancer Partnership held their 4th annual Free To Breathe 5K Run/Walk in Atlanta.  It was so much fun and I was so excited that so many of my friends came out to support the cause.  Our team consisted of Reggie Kimbell, Brad & Mandy Busch, Sam & Stephanie Thompson, David & Kristen Hall, Sonja Cox, Brook Moore, Amanda Davis, Ashleigh Glass, Amanda High, Terri Neundorfer, Cindy Hall, Sherry Taylor, Tammy Godfrey, and me.  Dave finished 1st in his age group and 9th overall and Terri Neundorfer finished 2nd in her age group!  So proud of us!

Thank you guys all so much for coming out, I love you all!
It was also so good to see my little sister again.  I've missed her so much, she rocks!

And thank you to God, all my family, friends, and faithful prayer warriors.  It was such a memorable weekend.

Finally, my prayer list keeps growing but please remember the following people in your prayers:  Reggie Kimbell, Gretchen Mitchell Anderson, Marjorie Polk, Tim Gravitt, Shelley Miller, Sheila Hodges, Peggy Fogerty, and James Robert Smith.  They still all have their own battles.

Most of all, please pray for strength and peace for Marjorie and her family right now.  Cancer sucks so bad and it's not fair!

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and of good courage, do not fear or be afraid of them, for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you.  He will not leave you nor forsake you.

Blessed

It has been a busy couple of weeks since my last blog.  Karley was in her first karate tournament and took first place in sparring.  We were so proud of her, she beat 3 boys!  She wants to go to more tournaments now.  I'm totally fine with that!

Then, school started.  My baby girl is not a baby anymore.  She started 3rd grade!  For the first time, I didn't have to buy crayons or markers....it was bittersweet.  I love watching her grow up!!  I'm so blessed to be here for these precious moments!

This past weekend, Karley and I ventured to Atlanta so we could see the Justin Bieber concert.  Thanks to Chanda Dabney and Phillips Arena for not only those tickets for us, but for all they have done so far.  They have enabled me to do so many things with Karley I otherwise may not have been able to do!

We had a blast!  Now we are back home, she's at school and I'm packing up to head back to Atlanta tomorrow.  It's going to be a big weekend.  Friday I have my 3 month MRI and Saturday we are participating in the Free to Breathe 5K in the Vinings in an effort to raise awareness and funding for lung cancer research.  If you haven't signed up and would like to walk with us, please visit http://participate.freetobreathe.org/goto/Team_Clayco to learn more.  If online registration is closed, you can still register the morning of the event.  We look forward to seeing you out there!  

I will post another blog after this weekend that will have photos from the Free to Breathe event and results from the MRI.  

Thank you to God, and all of my family, friends, and prayer warriors who haven't given up on me.  I love you all and wouldn't be here if it weren't for all of your support!  I feel so blessed!

Also, please continue praying for Reggie Kimbell, Gretchen Mitchell Anderson, Tim Gravitt, Marjorie Polk, Jean Varner, Shelia Hodges, Shelley Miller, and Peggy Fogarty.  All are friends that are battling for their lives. 

Philippians 4:6

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

Roller coasters

It's been a while since my last post.  I was in a funk for a bit but things have been looking up.  I know I go back and forth, but it's just part of this roller coaster grieving process.

Since my last post, I've seen a counselor regarding Karley's nighttime behavior.  A month or so ago she began waking up and crying and night, sleepwalking too.  She would cry for me and no matter how many times I put her back in her bed she would not remain there.  I eventually gave in and let her sleep with me.  This continued until now, she just routinely sleeps with me.  The counselor let me know this was okay, and maybe she was feeling some abandonment issues due to my recent bout with depression and distance.

Wow, what a wake up call!   It made sense.  She will not sleep unless she is somehow touching me.  I don't want her to feel abandoned or "leave her before I leave her".  She is the most important thing on this earth to me and I felt so guilty for making her feel this way.  Since this meeting, I've been slowly but surely enjoying every moment with her more.  I love her more than words can say.

My best friend, Amanda, along with her children, Ashleigh and Connor, came down to visit this past weekend.  We had a blast!  Although Ashleigh is old enough to watch Karley and Connor, I wanted to be at home with the kids instead of going out.  I love Amanda for being such a great friend, so honest and blunt with me.  We did have one girl's night out, but it wasn't a late one.  It rained a lot, but it didn't ruin our good time.  We even made a trip to Jacksonville for some laser tag.  I've attached a few pictures from the weekend.

I'm so blessed to have this time with my sweet angel and wonderful friends.  I haven't laughed so hard in a long time.  Life is so precious and we take so much for granted.

On another note, my family and friends are participating in the Free to Breathe Atlanta 5k on August 17th in the Vinings area.  If you would like to join us, here is the link to our team page http://participate.freetobreathe.org/goto/Team_Clayco

Thank you all for your continuous prayers and support!  Please continue to pray for Reggie, Tim, Marjorie, and Gretchen!

Miracles happen.

My favorite verse:
Matthew 19:26 NIV
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

Stages....

Ok, so I know that so many people have it worse than me.   Really, they do.   The problem, maybe I'm selfish.  It's been 7 months since I was diagnosed.  In that 7 months, I've been through every stage of grief except acceptance.   I think in the beginning my denial and isolation was indicated by the fact that I was so positive but didn't want to talk about it.   Without my hair falling out and the short period of time, it wasn't real.  I was going to be fine.  I would get rid of the cancer and move on.

Then came the anger.   I was angry that this happened to me.   I was angry, that chances are, I will not get to see Karley graduate from high school or get married, maybe even date.   That is devastating.   I brought this beautiful, wonderful person into the world, took care of her every day, and now, I can't even be around her when she is sick.  What kind of mother am I?  I can't be there for her when she is sick.   I was angry for a long time.  I can't say I'm not still angry about it.

After the anger came the bargaining.   I thought, maybe if I got a second opinion, I could get better.   Or if I were a better person, things would be different.  Somehow I was going to be okay.   I think bargaining and denial are a lot alike.

Finally, acceptance.   I think I'm getting there.   I've realized this disease is not going anywhere until there is a cure.   I'm not going to live long if there is no cure.   This terrible mutation and has taken over my life.  I can't think of much more every single day.

I live on an island.   I'm not supposed to be in the sun.  Yet, I live on an island!  Everyone here is on vacation or the locals live at the beach.   There isn't much to do but the pool and the beach.   So, how fun of a mom am I now?   I can't be fun and I can't be a good caretaker.  

Please don't tell me to stay positive or keep my head up.   I had to vent tonight, and at the age I am, with this prognosis, I have a right.   Everyone says, "just keep hanging on, maybe there will be a cure".   Well, there isn't one yet.   I hope there may be one in the future, but as of now, my future looks very dire.   I'm tired of crying and trying all that I can to pull myself out of this funk.   I'm just not sure that I can right now.  I have to have more time to wallow.   I'm living in a world that is full of life, I just don't feel like I'm a part of the living right now, yet I'm not dead.   It's the worst feeling in the world.  

I hope you all can understand, please continue your prayers for my friends (Reggie, Marjorie, Gretchen, Tim, and Courtney) and me.   I may be throwing a pity party for a bit, but I still need them.   I don't want to give up hope.  

Results 6/21/13

I had my petscan yesterday to determine where we are at with treatment. This is the first petscan I've had since December, which was pre-treatment.

The good news - my tumors continue to shrink. The main tumor has reduced from 4 cm to 1.3 x 1.1 since December. One tumor has remained unchanged though. We are still blessed for the continued improvement.

However, there is persistent hypermetabolic neoplastic disease at the site of the main tumor. This indicates the cancer is still very active.  I've had a cold for a few days and there was inflammation in another node under my right arm but it's believed to be from the cold.

There is something I want all of you to know about the type of lung cancer I have, in case I haven't explained it before...

An EGFR mutation is an irreversible cell mutation that has become a normal part of my DNA. My body does not recognize it as bad, so the immune system does not fight it.  Therefore, the bad cells keep multiplying. Tarceva, the medication I take daily, inhibits these bad cells from multiplying. For how long? We don't know. Cancer is smart, and it can find a way around this inhibitor. If and when that happens, we try something else.

The fact is, this mutation is not going away. There is no cure. We are just trying to stop it from getting worse. Even if the Tarceva leads to "no evidence of disease", I will continue taking it for the rest of my life.   If/when it quits working, the cancer will return.

We need a cure. I'm blessed to have this pill that will help extend my life, but without a cure for the mutation, it just prolongs the inevitable.

I understand, it is inevitable that we will all die. It could be in a car accident, plane crash, instantaneously. Or, you could know its coming. I am reminded everyday with a pill. Which would you pick if you had a choice?

I know I'm usually upbeat, but this is how I feel at the moment and expressing my feelings is what this blog is all about. Documenting the journey, keeping my faith.

That being said, I am thankful for the time I have and will continue to have. Some days are just harder than others. It could be worse for me, so sometimes I feel selfish even thinking this way.

Thank you all for your continuous prayers and support.  They are helping so much.  Please continue to pray for Gretchen, Marjorie, Tim, and Reggie.  They each are fighting their own different battles.

I spent some time with Reggie yesterday.  He's lost a lot of weight and is very tired.  He won't know how well the radiation is working until it's over.   He hasn't been working very much so Brad began a fundraiser site for him, to help with medical bills and to compensate for missed work, just click here to go to his site:  Reggie's Fundraiser

God has a plan for all of us, even though it may not make sense now. I continue to Hope for that cure, you can't have Faith without Hope!

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."