Lost

 It's now March 2023.  Never, in my wildest dreams did I think I would survive this long.  It's somewhat of a catch 22 at this point.  I'm so blessed that I'm here and will get to see Karley graduate, then she'll be off to college.

I didn't plan to make it this long.  What am I supposed to do now?  I get ssdi. in the amount of $2,000 a month.  I have good and bad days and I have to move this summer.  My former boss gave me some money to pay off any debts and I could not be more grateful for the time he has been in my life.  17 years, he's like a second father.

It'll be 2 years this month since my dad left us to go home to the Lord.  I thought I would go before everyone, but God keeps me here.  

And at this path in my life, I'm not sure what to do.  I can't afford rent, utilities, groceries, dr. appts and car insurance on my income.  Much less help Karley.  I had a plan for someone to help me out, that I've been counting on forever.  I would do the books and he would pay my rent.  

Well, that didn't work out and I just found out yesterday.  The week that I've had has been unbelievable.  For two weeks I was hardcore working day and night.  I was exhausted and thought it was part time, had no idea so much would be involved.   It was so stressful I'm still tired.  I did the best I could, but sometimes people can be so caught up in what they are doing, they don't see what you can still bring to the table.   

My friend and co-owner of the antique store I have a booth in was stabbed in the neck by a homeless person.  We weren't sure if he was going to make it and I kept thinking I stepped away from a lot of the lung cancer community, and he was safe.  So I wouldn't lose this friend.  And just the fact I almost did sent me over the edge.  Of course I looked incompetent to my new job so that is out the window.  

I think I'm having PTSD or something.  I just feel pain in my stomach to my heart.  It's hard to focus and concentrate.  I really want to not move, but I don't have a choice since my landlord has been so kind and let me stay so long.  

And now I'm not working with that guy anymore, someone I've counted on, how do I live?  I can't afford my own place but want one so Karley can visit.  Without her I feel numb.  If anyone is looking for a bookkeeper or someone to help set up HR, please let me know.   Or any ideas at this point would be great.  I'm so tired and lost and have just given it to God.  Anyway, any suggestions would be great.  Even open to a roommate.  I'll post more later.  I'm suddenly so tired.  I'll continue tomorrow.  Good night all