It's 3 am I must be lonely

I so miss the good old days.  I still know the words of that Matchbox Twenty song like it came out yesterday.  "Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes".  The last verse.  It's always stuck with me.  It's now 4 am.  I couldn't sleep.  Tomorrow night will be my first time alone since I had that pulmonary embolism January 15th, Karley's birthday.

Let me tell you, pulmonary embolisms are no walk in the park.  I'm just now getting around to do things.  I did some laundry, dishes and straightened up.  Then I literally passed out for 3 hours.  I don't have near the energy I used too.

I get serious vertigo now too.  I can't just jump out of bed like I used too.  If I sit up to fast, I fall back down.  I actually passed out getting out of bed the other day.  Thank God it was the bed I landed on.

And then I feel like pure crap.  Just everywhere and then there's uncontrollable crying.  It's ridiculous.  I don't cry much but this feeling is awful.  And it's been this way for weeks.  When researching I found it takes some people up to a year to recover.  Forget that!  I'm getting up and pushing myself because I refuse to feel like this for a year.  Time is precious over here and no way am I going to be miserable for a year.

I do feel myself slowly getting better.  I can stand up while holding something very slowly.  WTH?  I'm 38 years old.  I guess I'm just bitter, mad, and having an after hours pity party.  I know I should feel more blessed that I didn't die that day.  I know I should be grateful for living this long.  And I know everything happens for a reason.  I can't wait to get to heaven and find out this reason.

Karley worries about me so much now.  She's not sleeping well.  I hate that for her and as strong as I try to be around her, I'm a single mom and only human and just break down.  It's just been lately I've been doing this.  I just want to feel normal again.  Not the before cancer normal, even the after cancer normal would be a blessing.   But, I'm still here, trying to give everything to God.  It's so hard.  I haven't been able to fully let go, but in time I will hopefully quit scaring at every little pain. 

Well, now that I've written this, maybe I can sleep.  That's usually how it happens.  I miss being on the go.  My car hasn't been driven since January 14th.  She needs some love so maybe I'll feel good enough to go sit at the beach tomorrow.  It's always so peaceful during this time of year. 

Thank you mom for staying and taking care of things and doing so much, Betty for bringing us food, a new friend Adam, my ex Brent, Karley's father John, and all of you who have checked on me and helped us and thank you all for your continuous prayers and kind gestures.  You all give me much faith in humanity. And Cheri, thank you for taking me to the hospital that day.  I'm not sure I ever thanked you.  It's been a whirlwind year so far.  Maybe I'll start 2018 in March.  But, in all reality, I give God all the glory for bringing me this far.  There's a reason I'm still here.  I just need to get out of the funk.

Have to throw in some pics.   Here is my last oncology visit last week.  I get bored and play with snapchat. 

My dad is the most patient person ever.