Not always rainbows and sunshine

Because He wants you to depend on Him.  And Lord knows I'm trying.  I know the devil is trying to sneak in and cause me to break down like I am but I'm so tired.   This blood clot thing is literally draining the life out of me.  Today, I can barely get out of bed.  Thank God for my friend Lorna who is coming over to clean, laundry, and fix me some meals.   I never thought I could be this low.  And please don't post condolences.   I need fighting words right now more than ever.

I developed a terrible cough.  My leg was hurting yesterday like it did before the clot but it went away and that was okay according to my onc.  But I really feel the life being sucked out.  I need help.  I need help from my friends and family here.   I don't have many, but people who know me know that I would give the shirt off of my own back to help someone.   I need that in return now. 

I know, I'm usually the inspiring one.  But, this disease is so overwhelming it's hard to fight.   I don't feel like talking about it, I just needed to vent and for you to know if I don't respond, it's because I'm either sleeping or mid breakdown.  I called my mom for help when this happened.  And for the first time since I've lived here, I've called someone to physically help me.  I hate not being able to be independent.  It's killing me too.  But getting this all out is somehow making me feel a little better.  I'm going to take a pain pill and some xanax and take a nap.  I'm just so blessed to have the friends and family that I do.

As most of you know I filed Chapter 7 bankruptcy 12/29.  I couldn't keep up anymore.  My meeting of the creditors was scheduled for 1/29 but I had it continued because I was afraid they would admit me in the hospital in Atlanta.  I have a neck CT scheduled for tomorrow because of pain but am still in Brunswick.  They continued my case until 2/12 and if I have to continue it again I have to get an attorney which I can't afford.  I'm doing this all my self so if any of you attorneys that practice down here can do a quick pro bono bankruptcy, I've pretty much done everything.  It would just help with the stress.  I can't afford an attorney, I'm not sure if courts get that you can't afford the fee and an attorney, that's why you file in the first place.  I'm just praying I don't get hospitalized again before then. 

Ok, I'm done with my rant.  Pleas pray for all of my friends dealing with this.  And believe me, there are a lot right now.  It seems we are all going down hill together.  I know the first thing I need to do is give it to God and stop the stress.  So that is what I'm going to work on.  And if anyone feels they can help in any way, please let me know.  Because right not I can't even be a mother, I can barely take care of myself.  I believe God will see me through this.  I just have to be strong enough to give it to Him.

God bless you all and thank you for hearing me rant.  Not always rainbows and sunshine.  Sometimes it pours.

I feel like I should still be here

As the Carousel Turns - Results 1/26/18

Well, I went for my visit in Atlanta this week, a week after being in the hospital for a pulmonary embolism.  In short, there is some fluid build up around where the clot is but it has reduced in size since beginning the blood thinner.  I will be on the blood thinner for life.

However, my shoulder and neck have been hurting for some time so I'm scheduled for a CT of the neck next week in Brunswick as a precaution.  We don't want anymore clots.  I've come off the birth control so will most likely have to have an ablation because the blood thinners will send my bleeding out of control.   The birth control was only to stop constant menstrual cycles.  Coming off is going to make me bleed too much.

So, that is pretty much it from the visit.  No new visible cancer, we are just focusing on the clots.  And once again, I praise God for me living this long.

Now, I'm not one to shove religion down your throat.  It doesn't matter what you believe, I was taught to love everyone and never push your beliefs on them.  I express my faith in God, but you may have a different opinion.  I promise you I will never force my religion or politics on you. My good friends know this. 

However, I posted on MY facebook page that "things were in God's hands", referring to my illness, because that is my belief.  Someone decided they wanted to argue about this and began making references to "the same God that allows war, homelessness, etc.". 

I don't feel that was called for. God may allow this, but mankind made the choice of freewill in the beginning. This person blocked me, and that is fine.  If you don't want to hear what I have to say, don't read my blog or my page and if you do, please keep that opinion to yourself.  And certainly don't fight with me over it.  I'm fighting for my life here, I don't need someone fighting with me over religion and politics.   Like I said, I don't care what you believe, I am here for whomever needs it.  It just makes me feel sorry for someone like that, just wanting to argue with a terminally ill patient about her beliefs in one of her darker times. 

Ok, rant over.  Thank you all for your continuous thoughts and prayers.  Nothing will make me thank our God less or blame Him for trouble in this world.  Please pray for a few of my friends too who are struggling.  I'll post more when I learn more from my CT scan next week.  Good bless you all.

2018 - I thought we had a deal?

So this year was supposed to be better.  I guess considering I didn’t die, it’s off to a fairly good start.   Although, I will say it’s already getting crazy so I’m gonna start my year with Chinese New Year instead.   So pretty much, January has been a trial month.

I filed bankruptcy and it’s like a full time job getting the stuff ready.  I am so freakin broke!   But I’m alive, which just makes the whole “being broke” thing a nuisance.

So, for those of you who have been keeping up with me, yes, I was in the hospital until this past Thursday, I have 2 pulmonary embolisms.  See, I’m a mortal too. I had never experienced one before but it was a sharp pain that came on strongly near where my primary tumor was.  It was also my daughter's 13th birthday.  I got home from picking her up from friends, and the pain was so unbearable I was actually crying.  Karley never sees this, so she began pleading for me to go to the hospital or call 911.  All I wanted to do was sleep.  But, she wouldn't leave me alone so I got a close friend to take me.  I was really worried it was like gas or something, but better to be safe than sorry. 

After several hours, a CT scan, Echocardiogram, and utlrasounds, it was determined that I had a few pulmonary embolisms in my right lung.  Not what I was expecting.  A pulled muscle maybe, but not this.  I began my MD google search and did not like the results.   I'm on a blood thinner now and was released after 4 days.  I spent one night in the ER because they were so crowded due to the flu.  I didn't feel I was ready to be released, but knew other people needed my bed.  And some new law in Georgia prevents pain medication from being released easily, but I can't take anti-inflammatories.  Totally gonna have to go after this law when I get to feeling better.

Not going to lie, there are several times during this experience I was sure I wouldn't make it.  Even today, I felt like I was dying, like this was the beginning of the end.  But I didn't make it this far to be taken out by a pulmonary embolism(s), so time to rise up.  I read the recover time can be weeks, months and even years.  It's different for everyone.  Right now I'm having trouble walking, staying awake, talking a little but it could all be due to the blood thinners I have to get used too.

 I just want to thank God, the hospital, my family and friends all for helping me through this.  And thank God for giving me a daughter who selflessly pushed for me to go to the hospital on her own birthday.  It gives me more birthdays with her.  Listen to your body peeps.  Better to be safe than sorry.  Thank you all for your continuous prayers and God Bless.   Ok....gonna try and sleep now.  ❤️
I'm no where giving up....but I may need some help since it's usually just Karley and me.  I just need to work on building my strength back up without over doing it.  I'll keep you guys updated.  r For now my mom is staying here to help me.  God bless her. Love you all!

I was feeling much better in this pic

I love tacos!  Thanks NJ!

The day before admission

Birthday Fun