Just Breathe

This was the phrase 27 year old  Elizabeth Dessureault used in the merchandise the young mother made in order to help fund lung cancer and bring awareness.

We never got to meet in person and our friendship had a rocky start.  I'm an impatient person and had messaged her.  She didn't respond fast enough so I got snippy.  She got snippy right back.  I knew I liked her at that moment.  I apologized and she totally understood.  After that, we became facebook friends.  We supported each other in blog contests and talked about our disease, progression, and hope.

I have to say, she had more hope in her pinky than I have in my entire body.  She left us this morning.   When I found out, needless to say, I cried my eyes out.  We wanted to meet in person instead of messaging through Facebook.  She lived in Canada and I in South Georgia.  Quite a distance.

She was NED for a while, or so I thought.  The last time we spoke in November, they were working on a new treatment plan because of a little progression.  Then the holidays came, and the craziness of this year so far, and we didn't communicate again.  I hate it when I do that.

I hate it when I don't keep in touch enough.  It makes me feel like a terrible person.  She is the last person I thought I would see on Facebook today who had passed.

She had a gift, she made such an impact on Lung Cancer.  She fought, always had hope, always positive in her blogs.  It's times like this that you think about your own mortality.  How things can go from great to devastating in a matter of months, weeks, days.  This disease sucks, and it's taken too many good people.  But like Chris Draft says, "This is why we fight".

We fight for awareness and funding.  This little boy lost his mother today, way too young.  We all have a purpose and I think Lizzie definitely did so much in her lifetime, she helped change the face of lung cancer.

She will be missed immensely by the lung cancer community as well as her family and friends I'm sure.  She fought a good fight, so brave and beautiful.  I can't compare when it comes to awareness with what all she did, but I write.  And I know I couldn't describe how incredible she is in this blog, but I tried.  Rest in Paradise Lizzie.

Sometimes it Hurts

There are some people meant to stay in your life forever and some that are meant to be seasonal.  Now, I've had a really bad past few weeks, so don't necessarily think this is all about you, the person reading this.  But after these really bad past few weeks I've learned so much.

I've learned to take care of myself first.  You can't please everyone for sure.  Just do the best you can with the time you have.  And don't bottle things up.  Sometimes you just have to release to the world how you feel.  I know it makes me feel better and maybe helps some of my friends and family know how I feel.  And some of them hate it when I do it.  But I can't take care of anyone if I can't take care of myself and if this is my release, so be it.  You don't have to read it.

I learned a while ago that life will throw you some shitty curve balls.  You just have to go with it and know God is in control. That is so hard to understand.  What happens to you is beyond your control.   Sometimes it totally sucks and you think you'll never be able to make it through.  But you CAN do it. You have to pick yourself up and move on with His help.  Which leads to my next point.

You have to cut some people out of your life, no matter how much you love them or have known them.  They may be toxic to you.  Let them go.  This is so much easier said than done, believe me, I know.  And hey, I'm sure I'm a toxic person to some of you out there, so just let me go.

I live every day not knowing what is going to happen to Karley, Brent, Livi, my parents, me....and it's because of me I worry about this.  It's because I didn't think this was how my life was going to turn out. Who does? But it did.  And I have to deal with it Every. Single. Day.  Will tomorrow be my last?  And so many of you have too as well.  It is so hard to walk among the living and yet feel so dead.

Now, I know some of you are like, "get over it already".  No, I can't.  I've tried.  Trust me.  I've tried every way imaginable to pretend that there isn't this cancer in my body waiting to strike and take me away from the people I love before I'm ready.  Speaking of cancer in your body, for the non-cancer people out there....cancer makes you feel so ugly.  I'm not kidding.  I don't know why, but your self esteem begins to fall more and more each year you live with it.

Ok.  Well, that's it for today.  I'm sure I've lost friends and it saddens me, but most people think I'm mean anyways.  Some things that are done, can't be undone.  Some things that are said, can't be unsaid.  We have to live with our choices. Both sides of the table.

So you all don't think I'm talking about my mother, I decided to let you know at the end that she came out of surgery like a champ and will probably be out of the hospital by Friday.  The surgeon said she will need help recovering 7-10 days.  She will sleep most of the day today. Thank you all for your continuous prayers for her.

God Bless.