Loss - Revised for language only

This is a heart breaking roller coaster that no one can understand unless you've lived.  One day you're happy, one day you just want to be done.  Well, today is one of those days.

Am I selfish?  Yes.  I wanted more children, I want to see Karley grow up, I want to be one of the old annoying drivers.  But little by little I get discouraged.  I get drained.  I feel like there is so much negativity surrounding me and it's really more than I can handle.

Notice I said "I" a lot because I'm selfish.  This isn't the way my world was supposed to turn out and people that I've loved just ripped my heart out and stomped on it into a million pieces today.  Because I'm selfish.  Because I don't ask enough questions about them.  I'm sorry, but I have a lot of stuff constantly running through my head, non-stop, to the point I can barely sleep, barely breath, and I try so very hard to hold it together so my loved ones don't feel bad.  For them.  I hold it together.

But you know what, that's sad. I'm done holding it together.  If you can't take me as I am, then get out of my life.  I promise you I will never contact you again.  I don't care what your excuse is, but when I go out of my way to be as nice as possible or need a little encouragement to get through the day, and you am ripped apart, Screw it.  I didn't do anything wrong and still say I'm sorry and I still continue to be cussed out?  Just forget it.  There is no going back.

I know this is satan's way of getting to me and he's doing a very good job with a little help.  I have cried as much today as the day my friend Roy died.  There's that "I" again.  All about me.

Guess what people, I still have cancer!  Shocker!  It's not active due to my drug but it sure isn't going any where. So I get to live every three months holding my breath, forever.  Knowing I could die at any moment.  So if I want to have a pity party for the rest of the month I will.  The only people I need to hold myself together for are the people I live with and  my family and friends.

Yes, cancer has taken away a great deal of things from me, but I will not let it take away my happiness.  So, like I said, I'm done with people who are so into their own little worlds that they can't or even try to comprehend what I live with emotionally every single day.  At least they don't have to worry about dying on their "kid".  And for those who couldn't have children, I'm so sorry.  Because they do make life worth living.  And I'm sorry for being selfish.  I have no excuse.

I feel better now.  I had to get that off my chest.  I'm so done with people thinking I'm okay.  I'm a train wreck.  I hold it together for the ones that help hold me together.

I took the language out because I was reminded that God wouldn't approve.  I retorted that I'm not Jesus and I'm a sinner.  God can forgive.  The only thing I took out was the language, the content is the same and I feel the same way.  I haven't changed the way I feel but will work towards that because it's not healthy to let someone in your life make you so very unhappy.  You have to walk in someone's shoes before you can really know their pain.  This is my outlet and I will not sugar coat it to make others "feel better". I get angry sometimes.  Take me as I am or don't let the door hit you on the way out.  I didn't ask for any of this and am trying to make the best of it.  But we all have our days and our moments where we can't deal and need those loved ones to be there for us, when they're not, it only makes it worse.  And I think I totally need the shirt at the end.  I think that about sums it up.  And just so you know, it's rare I have a bad day unless someone pushes me to that point, hence this post.