Sometimes it Just Sucks

Alright, a few days ago I wrote a really sad post on here. I took it down because I think everyone thought I was going to jump off of a bridge. No way. Let me warn you, that blogs like that are gonna happen from time to time, especially the longer I ride this roller coaster. Like I read the other day, about the old man who shares his thoughts on grief and my friend Brandy always says, "it comes in waves" and you never know when they're coming. To me I'm like a bipolar person some days. I'll be happy one minute and the next crying. Why? Because I'm still grieving, that will never cease.

People say that time makes the grief easier to deal with, but when you live with a terminal illness the waves get bigger, not smaller as time goes by. The anxiety and chances of your next scan not turning out well can be overwhelming. It's a constant trauma I've lived with for over 4 years, and will do so for the rest of my life. At least that's how I feel about it. Others may be different, and that's perfectly normal.

But I've LIVED with it. I'm not giving up, I'm LIVING, As my oncologist says, "this is as good as it gets". I may have tumors, but they aren't currently active. And by the Grace of God, they will continue that path. And by living, I've done and seen more in my short lifespan so far than most do in a full long life time. And for that, I'm blessed beyond measure.

But you must understand, I will have my moments where I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. There are times I feel like I don't want to live this way emotionally anymore but they always pass. I would never do anything to leave my family and my girl. So, when I get all emotional in a blog, please don't worry. It is what I'm feeling in that moment. The good, the bad, the raw and ugly emotions that sometimes come out. I write because it's a release and I share that with others, because I know some of you are going through similar situations and maybe it helps to know that you aren't alone. But we are all different, we see things differently and our lives are different.

I know the holidays can be especially difficult, not only for the terminally ill, but those with a loved one who are terminally ill. The thought is, "will this be the last Christmas/holiday season". And for those who had the loss of a loved one before the holiday season, this can be very emotional and traumatic. So when you're out buying gifts and getting frustrated with other people, the lines, the traffic, think of this. You don't know what that other person is going through.

You would think I'm fine, in fact I know some of you do. "Oh, she has no active cancer, she's fine". No, that's not how this works. And I've learned to be more sensitive because I am surviving and some of you reading this blog lost someone. And for that, I am so sorry, it sucks, and I am praying for God to give you that peace that only He can. Take some time to reflect and get that cry out. It's okay to cry. The scars we have are proof we lived and that we loved deeply. Wear them with pride and when people tell you, "it's gonna be okay", you may know it's not. But they mean well and quite frankly don't know what else to say. I've just begun saying, "that sucks". Because sometimes it does just suck and I'm not going to lie and tell you it's going to be okay. There's only one who knows that and He's not telling His plan. But if you can be strong enough to sit back and give your anxiety, depression, and worry over to Him, I promise you will feel better. The problem is, it's so hard to do. I'm guilty of not doing it so many times, I try to take it all on myself. The truth is, I just can't. Sometimes I just need that friend to talk to too. And more importantly, I need to let go of what I can't control.

I've lost this year, one of those friends to talk to. I loved him, and it comes in waves, the grief I still have. But I don't want it to stop, just lessen, because I know I will never forget him. Places I go, people I talk to, they remind me of him. The grief reminds me of him. He's one of my scars, and a pretty big one too.

So, I hope you all have the best holiday season and Christmas possible. And don't forget the reason for the season...hint....uh, it's not gifts. When asking the girls if they would rather have gifts, or spend Christmas in New York (last city on my bucket list), they chose New York. So, we will be together over Christmas sharing some incredible memories.

Thank you for your continuous prayers and please take a moment and pray for those who have lost or are going through a hard time right now. The holidays are great for so many, but suck for others. Pray for the others. I know I am.