Bye Bye Pneumonia, Hello Scanxiety

Oh how I love this roller coaster (insert sarcastic look here).  Why do these bouts of scanxiety keep getting longer and longer?  Simple.  I've been on tarceva a long time.  2.5 years to be exact.  A great many lung cancer patients don't have that kind of progression free survival time, so I have been very blessed.

As you know, I got pneumonia last week.   Or it seems, since I'm feeling better after the steroids (and an additional 5 lbs.).  The scary part for me is that the pain was coming from where my primary tumor is.  I know, I know, you can't feel cancer in the lungs.  But, it's still a scary thought.  I wish I knew already what was going on in there.  But, I don't.  And that is where the faith comes in.  I'm not perfect though, I do worry but faith is what keeps me sane.

I recently found my camcorder charger.  I was going through old videos from when Karley was so little.  The moments captured were wonderful.  It's amazing to see the young lady she's becoming before my eyes.  She watched with me, and later that night wanted to snuggle so much.  She said, "Mama, you are the best mommy ever and after watching those videos it makes me sad to think something could happen to you".  I just held her close and tried to reassure her that I'm here now, and that's what really matters.  We can't worry about the future.  (I sound like a hypocrite now with my scanxiety worries)

Also, I didn't let her see the videos I made when I was first diagnosed.   Man, I miss my hair.  But, I could tell how much I was hurting emotionally.  I feel like I've become such a different person.  Back then I was spitting out everything I thought I could tell her to fulfill a lifetime, only to realize that it isn't possible.  We have to do what we can with the time we have now.  You never know when it'll be cut short.

God designed this life to live according to His plan, not our own.  Wisdom acknowledges this.  We have to believe "Father Knows Best".  My beliefs on here may not always be popular, but maybe this is my purpose....just to reach someone else through this blog.

So, I'll keep trying to stay positive as the clock slowly ticks away until June 19th when I get my new results.  Thank you for all your continuous prayers.  They are always such a blessing.  Please continue to keep Gretchen Mitchell Anderson, Carmen Frye, Brad Graves, and another unspoken request, along with their families in your prayers.  I know they appreciate them.