Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Pursuing Life

What on earth is wrong with me?  I've become such a "Sensitive Sally."  I'm nothing like the old Samantha with the thick skin and witty comebacks.  Even in the beginning of this journey I still had it.  Now, I cry at the drop of a dime.

 It's like I expected everything to stop 11/27/12.  But no, my therapist reminded me I am not the center of the universe and the world will continue to turn, even if  I feel so left out of the real world.

I started seeing a therapist this week to deal with some of my personal issues, mainly with grief.  I did learn that grief usually reaches it's plateau at 6 months after the dramatic or tragic event occurred.

It just feels so damn lonely right now.  I really have no idea what to do. My therapist told me to definitely come back to work on some coping skills.  I don't want to up my antidepressants because I already feel I take too much medication anyways.  But maybe that's the only choice I have.  I've lost two great friends here, 2 of my best ones.  One to cancer and the other moved to Atlanta and has decided to just ignore me,  So, in a way, I lost a friend to leukemia but gained a blessing because the other was never really a true friend and I do see that now.  I'm glad I see it before I gave anymore of my time, energy, or help to this person.  It's hard when someone does that to you though.  We would have our little arguments but always forgive each other.  Not anymore.  It's like I never existed.  Of course it bothers me, but what can I do?  Nada

I also learned there is no time limit for grief.  It can come and go.  But that's okay.  So many people make me feel like I shouldn't be sad or try to tell me to get on with my life.  That's what I'm doing, but in my own way.   And it's okay if I'm sad, I have every right to be.  If I walk out the front door and see Roy's old house and break down crying, it's normal and I have every right to get those emotions out.

I just want you all to know the therapist was great.  She said I will probably have bouts of grief for the rest of my life, and that's okay.   Just pull over and cry it out.  And not to let anyone tell me how I should and should not feel.

We don't always get over the loss of that friendship or bond we build with someone.  And that hole in our heart never gets filled.  We just learn to live with it.  Live with the pain and make the most of the time we have here.  Roy's death certainly scared me about my own mortality...how he was walking and talking that morning and gone that evening.  It's a scary thought.  But it can happen to any one of us.   We can't worry about it though.  When death comes knocking and it's your time to go, we really don't have a say do we?  So, why worry?  Well, if I weren't given an original expiration date and read the stats I probably wouldn't.  And I am focusing on leaving it in God's hands.  It's ultimately up to Him anyways.  It's a work in progress here, the worrying....

I've had a great life so far.  I'm married to a wonderful man and have the best daughter and stepdaughter anyone could ask for.  They all cater to me, even if they don't want too.  Ha ha.  I know I get down, but at this very moment, this very second, I'm smiling.   My blog didn't start out this way, but it's ending this way.  Because I know the blessings I have here on earth and the love my true friends and family have for me.  So thank you all for making me smile, when this started out as an otherwise sad post.

I have scans next week.  Please continue to pray the medicine is still working, crazy hair and all.  And please pray for a few more of my friends.  Unspoken at this time but they need it.  My heart is overflowing with joy to know that the people that read this care enough to do so and I have my little part in this world, though it may be little, it's mine.

Finally, I'm participating in the Light the Night Leukemia and Lymphoma walk at Centennial Olympic Park in Atlanta on October 8th in honor of Roy and for Karley's cousin, Dylan Rosier.

My fundraiser page is here Light the Night for Roy.  If you would like to donate, any amount will help save future lives.  If you're my friend in the Atlanta area and want to join, send me or Reggie Kimbell a message.

I find it interesting that in life, Roy wanted to be so independent to the point he was stubborn but always wanted to help others.  Now, I'm trying to carry on for you my friend, and raise funds to help cure a cause that took you from us, because I know how much you hated that disease and didn't wish it on anyone.

I'll be back to Lung Cancer advocating soon, after these scans.  In fact, I'm in the Sept. 26 issue of Woman's World if you happen to see it at the store.  Last page though, better than nothing, and it's about lung cancer.  But cancer is cancer.  It all sucks and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, not even the ex-friend that moved to Atlanta and won't speak to me.  Lol!

 My little world

My baby girl (not so much a baby-she's crazy)

Roy and I at his fundraiser


  1. This is such a moving blog. I am in your corner. You have been a huge inspiration for me.. You are an exceptional young woman. XXOO

    1. Thank you so much Nancy. That really means a lot!

  2. Good luck Sam! I pray for you often and wish you health and happiness...much deserved. xo julie b