Monday, May 23, 2016

But I am Loco Sometimes

Last week I had a few rough days.  It was last Saturday and Sunday to be precise.  It took me a week to write about it because I didn't know what to say.

Well, here it goes.  Anger is a form of grief.  I am going to get angry over stupid stuff once in a while.  Family and friends without cancer, I've tried explaining this to you, but some listen better than others.

I don't mean to get angry, but it's because I'm depressed.  Not right now, but in that moment when I'm angry.  And seriously, if I tell you it's because I'm depressed and you express no sympathy, it makes me more angry.  Keeping up your defenses and not trying to empathize is probably the worst thing you can do.  But, it's an eye opener.  The ones that know something is wrong with me because I don't normally get mad and just let it go....those are my true family and friends.  Because they know me down to my very core.  They know I'm in pain emotionally and let me vent and say things like "I'm sorry" or agree with me just to shut me up (I know).  But that means a lot.

You see, it does get easier living with this on one end, but on the other, you can (and are totally entitled) to feel angry.  I rarely do it according to my husband who took the girls to the beach and pool that day so I could cry without anyone around.  He knows me and he knew what to do.  He empathized, asked what  he could do, and I told him I needed to be alone, just a bad day.  For him to do that just shows how much he would do for me.  He had a billion other things to do, but he knew I didn't want Karley seeing me upset so he dropped everything for me.

Family and friends, grief can rear it's ugly head in many forms, and one of them is anger.  I'm asking you, before you get defensive and fight back, to think to yourself, "is this normal Samantha or is this Loco Samantha"  And if it's Loco Samantha, please, help me, don't hurt me by ignoring me or yelling at me.

I'm not trying to be mean by writing this post.  It is not often I get down, but when I do, I get really down.  And I am entitled to that periodically.  I am entitled to get mad, yell, even smash plates (yes I've done that, don't worry, increased my meds).

That's the part about living with lung cancer most people don't get.  "She looks fine, and has no active cancer, she's fine, why is she acting like that?"

Well, cancer doesn't jut hurt you physically, it will break you apart piece by piece emotionally.  It will shatter your heart again and again.  And the longer I've lived with it, the harder it's gotten emotionally.  And no, It's not gone.  I'm not in "remission".  I'm dealing with this for the rest of my life.

I finally got down on my knees and prayed that God take this burden and sadness.  Then I went to sleep and woke up feeling so much better.

Just know, I'm not okay inside, not always.  It's something I will deal with for the rest of my life.  And the family and friends that care enough to stay in my life need to know that.  Because if you don't understand that, and think I'm just throwing myself a pity party, walk in my shoes for one day dammit, and see how you handle it.  And if you don't want to empathize or have a little compassion, well, you can go and I will understand.  It's hard to be my friend I'm sure.  But I didn't choose this life, it chose me and I'm making the best I can out of it.

I'm not directing this towards anyone in particular.  I'm just putting into words what I can't always say to people.  Please don't be offended and just take it in.  I'm not "playing the cancer card".  I'm expressing my true, raw emotions and I need my family and friends to be able to handle that, because it's already hard enough for me to.

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Mother's Day - Cancer Mom/Daughter Perspective

Mother's Day is so special to me.  Without Karley, I wouldn't be a mother, so she is the reason I celebrate this day.

I was watching a recording of Grey's Anatomy last night, and in a twisted way it reminded me of how I was when first diagnosed.  The two mothers are arguing over custody of a small child.  One of the mothers realized it would be better to relinquish custody than to have her child ripped apart.  The story taken from 1 Kings 3:16-27 when Solomon must decide the true mother of the baby.

In a way, that's how I felt in the beginning, but under different circumstances.  At that time, I was more willing to let John have Karley, than to allow her to be ripped apart by watching me pass away of this disease.  I began pushing her away, asking John to take her more.  I tried to distance myself from her any way possible.  This wasn't the right thing to do, I found out from my therapist.  It does prove my love for her is greater than the love for myself.  I thought, if she didn't love me as much and wasn't around me so much, it would be easier on her when I'm gone.  My feelings didn't matter, I really wanted her around every second, but I would do anything in the world not to hurt her.  I didn't want her ripped apart.

I am glad that I changed for both of our sake.  I've lived a lot longer than expected and built so many wonderful memories, and I continue to do so.  I've realized that she will be hurt regardless of my actions should I pass away.  But, I want her to remember me as the mother that loved her more than anything in the world.  I guess all of that in the beginning was a way of dealing with everything.  Thank God for that therapist.    And thank you God for carrying me through all of the darkness the beginning entailed.  The cancer is still with me, just sleeping.  But I know with God, all things are possible.

Now, we are happy and loving life and I gained a stepdaughter, Livi.  So now there are two of them to love.  And I do love them with all of my heart.  Livi isn't my biological daughter and I can never replace her mother, nor would I ever try, but I do love her very much and will continue to be here for both of them as long as the good Lord allows.

Thank you all for your continuous prayers.  Please pray for all of the others out there, with this same burden, because they love their children so much.  Pray for them to have peace and do what's best for the children.  And thank you mom, for always being here for me.  For giving me strength, advice, love and support always when I needed it most.  I love you so much.  I couldn't ask for a better mom.