My sweet angel

My sweet angel

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Broken

So, last night I finally broke.  I was strong for so long,  14 days to be exact.  But I had the girls with me and Brent with me or family in Atlanta.  But last night was different. Karley was at her dad's, which was a good thing considering my state of mind.  Livi and Brent had fallen asleep, like tonight, and it was just me and my thoughts.

As I lay in bed I thought of that day that changed everything.  All the "should haves and could haves" which in the end really wouldn't have mattered much I don't think.

July 14, 2016, I lost the one person I was so close to and could talk about anything cancer related to.  We talked about detachment from loved ones to spare them, fear, anger, sadness, anxiety about the future, confusion on how we should live our lives at this point and how to live them.  It was sudden.  It was unexpected.  And for the first time since I was diagnosed, I realized it broke me.  I didn't realize the severity until last night.

While everyone was sleeping, I replayed that fateful day in my head over and over and it wouldn't stop.  I have been working some in the house Roy lived in to get it ready for another tenant but it smells like him, I look down the hallway and see him there.  I know this has to be rough for Amp too.

I had to help the paramedic that day because the other paramedic couldn't stand the smell of vomit....uhmmmm choose another career field lady.  

I think Roy was confused during his brief moments of consciousness until he realized Amp and I were there.  Then he quit worrying.  It's like he just went to sleep.  I could see the recognition and will forever be grateful for that part.  He knew he wasn't alone.

I say I was finally broken because last night I was.  I was strong for my family, Roy's family and friends, and speaking about our bond and that day at the funeral.  Occasionally tearing up, but fighting it back.  Last night was different.  I facebook messaged him and began to cry uncontrollably.  I think subconsciously I was waiting for Karley not to be here.  I could not stop crying for hours.  I vomited several times and sat in the cold dark bathroom trying not to wake anyone.  I am definitely broken right now and it's going to take quite some time to put myself together.  

I told Brent I can no longer go to the rental house.  It's too much for me.  I'm taking xanax for the anxiety but it only lasts so long.  

Roy was my cancer partner.  He was one of my best friends.  We always came to each other for advice (ok he came to me more than me him) but still.  He gave me another purpose in life. In fact, I can't pretend to imagine what Miss Ola, Renesha and her sisters are going through, along with his very closest friends.  

I just know from my point of view, I will never be the same.  There is a hole in my heart that can never be filled, it will always belong to him.  Some as the question, "Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?"  I believe the answer to that question is that it's better to have loved and lost.  It makes you human, it makes you feel.  

I will eventually be fine, I have my family to take care of, but I don't remember ever being this upset over the loss of someone....ever. 

Rest in Paradise Roy.  I'm crying tonight again and wish you were here to make me laugh by telling a dumb joke or something.  I can't wait to see you again....but I want to watch my girl grow up first.

P.S. we had your Roy Rooftop Relaxer tonight....good job my friend!  Love you.

Please pray for Roy and his family.

This is one of my favorite pictures of him

Roy working so hard at my wedding.   Love


Roy taught me cancer cards don't get you out of all trouble.

Our attempt at an "R" or it can be a cancer ribbon....either way







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