Saturday, August 8, 2015

Can I Just Say Cancer Sucks Again?

I know it's been a while since my last post.  I've had a lot going on with Karley being out of school, tournaments, pneumonia, and coming off the steroids for it.  My days have consisted of sleeping as well as nights.  But tonight, I couldn't sleep.  I felt like vomiting every time I closed my eyes so went to facebook.  Something in my heart told me to check my friend Courtney's fb page.

Courtney and I met at MD Anderson in Houston in January 2013.  At the time, I was in a state of shock and depression still.  My nurse navigator put us together for bloodwork and we exchanged information.  Over the past two years we've checked in with each other every few months.  My last correspondence with her was March 5th.  When I went to her facebook page, I was absolutely devastated.  She passed in June.  Three months after our last email.  An email where she didn't sound as bad as I guess she was.  She left behind a husband and very young son.  Please pray for this family.

I feel like more and more of my posts are filling up with friends that I've met in this journey and they are leaving before me.  Survivors guilt is awful.  I cry every time.  But, I pick myself up and keep on living, because I know all of these strong women that have gone before me would have it no other way.
I can't put into words the world we live in.  On one hand I try to push everything cancer related to the back of my mind, but on the other hand, I know it's there.  Waiting for the opportunity to wake back up.  It scares me to plan a future and it puts me in a state of limbo.  Sometimes I just don't think I should plan anything, especially with my extreme fatigue (or lack there of tonight for some crazy reason).  But that would mean cancer is winning.  And that's not going to happen.

Anyways, on another note, I'm going to be speaking at the Free to Breathe Event in Jacksonville, FL Sept. 12th.  I usually participate in Atlanta, but I've been traveling so much, we are going to do the 5k walk/run in Jax.  So, if you can make it, please join us.  If not, please donate.  This is one of the good organizations striving to save my life, along with so many other people.  You don't hear about them much because so much of their funding goes directly to research, support and prevention.

If you would like to come walk with us or donate, the sign up is at the link here: Free To Breathe Jacksonville - Team Samantha  I would love to have a huge team and reach our goal.  Any amount helps.  Guys, I want to live!  Please help me do that.

Finally, thank you all for your continuous prayers and support.  God works in mysterious ways and is helping me in more ways than you can imagine.  I'll share some more on my next blog.  In the meantime, please help save us by funding this organization.  The government grossly underfunds lung cancer.

And thank you God for giving me this life, and every day I get to wake up and be with the people I love.  It is because of you I can face tomorrow, because you live.  Like the song says "Life is worth the living just because He lives".  My next results are Sept. 18th, so please pray they are still good.  Thank you all so much.

Maybe now I can sleep....

1 comment:

  1. I completely understand the survivors guilt, but under different circumstances. I was born at 26 weeks, only weighing 2.5 pounds. I've heard stories of babies born around that same gestation not making it. It makes me want to question God(even though I know we're not supposed to) why did I live and they didn't? God must have sone special plan for me. Thank you for sharing your journey, the good and bad. You are an inspiration to me. God bless!