Hope

Hope

Monday, February 4, 2019

Screw This Cancer Mess

Once again, it's World Cancer Day.  A day I've come to know quite well over the past 6 years.  And usually I'm this positive, upbeat person who tries to give hope to everyone.  But dammit, I am not always that person.  I debated writing this for some time today.  Given the timing of the day and everything, but I promised to be real.

So here it is guys.  Pay attention.  I am NOT cured of cancer.  My cancer is NOT in remission, please look up the word for a clearer definition.  I still have Stage 4 lung cancer that I take many medications for every single day and will do so for the rest of my life.  The side effects aren't pretty.  There are some things I've lost that I'll never get back.  One of those being time.  But, to know it, you have to live it, or be close to someone who does, and even then, you can't always get the full effect.

Recently, a fellow lung cancer survivor messaged me.  I guess I've been naive or have been in denial.  The stages of grief are crazy.  But, after 18 years, his lung cancer returned.  He, like me, had forgotten he even had scans that week.  I've always looked up to him and now I was encouraging him.  He's a fighter and I'm sure he'll come out on top.  And once he began getting things right in his head...things began to go wrong in mine.

I'm 6 years out from this diagnosis and still on my first line treatment.  Yes, I'm blessed.  But am I happy all the time?  NO.  Today is one of those days.  As my friend put it, "going so long being cancer free and then unexpectedly it's back, knocks you back into day 1 of diagnosis". 

I know I should feel blessed since I am...but it's so hard sometimes.  For instance once he got back on that saddle, all I could think of is, "this is going to kill me unless something else takes me out first".  What a way to live.  But I'm alive...that's what everyone says I should be happy about.  It's hard, losing friends and living in purgatory with one foot in this world and the other just waiting to step into the other. 

To all those that have gone before me, I miss and will always love you and so do your loved ones and may you continue to rest in peace.  To those who are still fighting, don't let this pity party girl get you down.  I'll come out of this funk.  Always do. 

I just need people to know, that for us, it is never over.  There is no cure.  To us, every ache, pain, cold, EVERYTHING is cancer returning.  This is as good as it gets for me.  This freaking pill that won't allow my hair to grow, gives me rashes, makes my skin dry out, leaves me fatigued constantly, and many more things I will not mention, also keeps me alive.  So, I don't know.  I'm here for Karley and the rest of my family and friends.  Without you guys...I would want to go ahead and hit up those pearly gates.  So, I'll keep struggling with my mortality, up my antidepressants, and maybe my next post will be sunshine and rainbows.

Thank you all for your continuous prayers.  I think I need specific ones for peace and strength right now.  And thank you for always praying for my friends.  They are so grateful.  God bless you all.




Karley turned 14!


Side Effects







15 comments:

  1. My dear sam as "survivor " i can only guess at what your cancer diagnosis feels like and the emotions,that come with it. And i too am always am waiting to hear "its back" im so grateful that i have found you and "the family" online. a family no one wants,to be part of. I pray for this " family" and individuals daily and for all cancer patients everywhere in the world. And today special prayers for yourpeace and strength which are hard to come by some days. Keep on keeping on dear lady

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So sorry for the late response. Thank you for your kind words. And we do have the greatest family. Maybe dysfunctional but always support each other.

      Delete
    2. WHAT A GREAT MIRACLE THAT I HAVE EVER SEE IN MY LIFE. My names are Clara David I’m a citizen of USA, My younger sister was sicking of
      breast cancer and her name is Sandra David I and my family have taking her
      to all kind of hospital in USA still yet no good result. I decided to go to
      the internet and search for cancer cure so that was how I find a lady
      called peter Lizzy she was testifies to the world about the goodness of a
      herbal man who has the root and half to cure all kind of disease and the
      herbal man email was there. So I decided to contact the herbal man for my
      younger sister help to cure her breast cancer. I contacted him and told him
      my problem he told me that I should not worry that my sister cancer will be
      cure, he told me that there is a medicine that he is going to give me that
      I will cook it and give it to my sister to drink for one week, so I ask how
      can I receive the cure that I am in USA, he told me

      That I will pay for the delivery service. The courier service can
      transport it to me so he told me the amount I will pay, so my dad paid for
      the delivery fee. two days later I receive the cure from the courier
      service so I used it as the herbal man instructed me to, before the week
      complete my sister cancer was healed and it was like a dream to me not
      knowing that it was physical I and my family were very happy about the
      miracle of Doctor so my dad wanted to pay him 5 million us dollars the
      herbal man did not accept the offer from my dad, but I don't know why he
      didn't accept the offer, he only say that I should tell the world about him
      and his miracle he perform so am now here to tell the world about him if
      you or your relative is having any kind of disease that you can't get from
      the hospital please contact dr.sakuraspellalter@gmail.com or whats app him
      +2348110114739 / via his website https://drsakuraspellalter.weebly.com/ you can follow him up on Instagram herbalist sakura for the cure, he will help you out with the
      problem. And if you need more information about the doctor you can mail me
      davidclara223@gmail.com

      Delete
    3. GET BACK YOUR EX FAST, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE FROM DIVORCE AND AMEND YOUR BROKEN RELATIONSHIP WITH THE HELP OF DR GREAT CALL OR WHATSAPP +2348118829899

      Hello everyone i am happy to spread my testimony of a strong spell caster called Dr Great. I'm Kaitlyn Houston and i live in USA, my husband and i had a little fight because of that he wanted to divorce me i was so afraid to lose him because i love him very much so i search online for help and i saw alot of people's testimonies on how Dr Great help them and came out with positive results like Divorces, Cancers, lotteries, fertilities and others. So i emailed him and told him my problem and he told me what to do and I did it as he instructed, 24 hours later he told me he is done with the spell and my husband will no longer divorce me and when my husband came back from work he told me he won't divorce me anymore he said he didn't know what came over him that he is sorry I was so happy and I thank Dr Great for his help If you need Dr Great help email him at infinitylovespell@gmail.com or infinitylovespell@yahoo.com my page https://kaitlynhouston19.blogspot.com you can also add him on WhatsApp +2348118829899 and he will put an end to your problem




      GET BACK YOUR EX FAST, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE FROM DIVORCE AND AMEND YOUR BROKEN RELATIONSHIP WITH THE HELP OF DR GREAT CALL OR WHATSAPP +2348118829899

      Hello everyone i am happy to spread my testimony of a strong spell caster called Dr Great. I'm Kaitlyn Houston and i live in USA, my husband and i had a little fight because of that he wanted to divorce me i was so afraid to lose him because i love him very much so i search online for help and i saw alot of people's testimonies on how Dr Great help them and came out with positive results like Divorces, Cancers, lotteries, fertilities and others. So i emailed him and told him my problem and he told me what to do and I did it as he instructed, 24 hours later he told me he is done with the spell and my husband will no longer divorce me and when my husband came back from work he told me he won't divorce me anymore he said he didn't know what came over him that he is sorry I was so happy and I thank Dr Great for his help If you need Dr Great help email him at infinitylovespell@gmail.com or infinitylovespell@yahoo.com my page https://kaitlynhouston19.blogspot.com you can also add him on WhatsApp +2348118829899 and he will put an end to your problem

      Delete
  2. I hope this prayer below will help to know that I am always praying for you my LC sister. Praying for your continued Peace and Strength.

    Lord,
    I would love to be with my friend as she manages such hardships.
    I would love to hold her hand and whisper words of comfort.
    I would love to change her situation and bring new happiness.
    I would love to give her peace as she lies to rest.
    I would love to wake her with new hope every morning.
    I would love to know how to lead her through this hard time.
    I would love to bless her with peace and joy and hope.

    You are closer, stronger, wiser than I.
    You are with her, Heavenly Father.
    You are with her, and will hold her and protect her forever.

    I trust in you.

    Amen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That was beautiful. I am feeling better. Thank you so much for that prayer. ❤️

      Delete
  3. It is ironic, you don't get it " Until you get it". My aunt and I have had this discussion several times . She cared for me after surgery from lung cancer and moved me home and loved me unconditionally. She was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after and passed in July of 2016. I cared for her until her last day. We lost my dad in 2014. My cousins and I are still at a loss. You put these conditions I to laymen's terms and people need this! You have fought so hard! There are some warriors in our community that blow me away daily with thier strength and you my girl.ate one of them.

    You amaze me daily and I know how hard this is, but you love your daughter unconditionally and fight with everything you have so that she doesn't mourn her mother.
    You are an inspiration to the masses Samantha! Keep on keeping on and we love you dearly!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! Those are such encouraging words. I don’t feel strong or like an inspiration. I just know it really sucks to feel alone. And you’re right. I fight for my daughter more than anything in this world. She is everything to me. I never want to hurt her. I’m so sorry about your aunt and dad. Life can be so hard. I really think it’s harder for the ones left behind. God bless you

      Delete
  4. WHAT A GREAT MIRACLE THAT I HAVE EVER SEE IN MY LIFE. My names are Clara David I’m a citizen of USA, My younger sister was sicking of
    breast cancer and her name is Sandra David I and my family have taking her
    to all kind of hospital in USA still yet no good result. I decided to go to
    the internet and search for cancer cure so that was how I find a lady
    called peter Lizzy she was testifies to the world about the goodness of a
    herbal man who has the root and half to cure all kind of disease and the
    herbal man email was there. So I decided to contact the herbal man for my
    younger sister help to cure her breast cancer. I contacted him and told him
    my problem he told me that I should not worry that my sister cancer will be
    cure, he told me that there is a medicine that he is going to give me that
    I will cook it and give it to my sister to drink for one week, so I ask how
    can I receive the cure that I am in USA, he told me

    That I will pay for the delivery service. The courier service can
    transport it to me so he told me the amount I will pay, so my dad paid for
    the delivery fee. two days later I receive the cure from the courier
    service so I used it as the herbal man instructed me to, before the week
    complete my sister cancer was healed and it was like a dream to me not
    knowing that it was physical I and my family were very happy about the
    miracle of Doctor so my dad wanted to pay him 5 million us dollars the
    herbal man did not accept the offer from my dad, but I don't know why he
    didn't accept the offer, he only say that I should tell the world about him
    and his miracle he perform so am now here to tell the world about him if
    you or your relative is having any kind of disease that you can't get from
    the hospital please contact dr.sakuraspellalter@gmail.com or whats app him
    +2348110114739 / via his website https://drsakuraspellalter.weebly.com/ you can follow him up on Instagram herbalist sakura for the cure, he will help you out with the
    problem. And if you need more information about the doctor you can mail me
    davidclara223@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  5. Get Your Lover Back Perfect Urgent Love Spell, Am Alexis scorpio from FL Usa All Thanks To Dr happy Who Brought Back The Love Of My Life. my girlfriend cheated on me and asked for a breakup. I don't believe at first i try to get back with her but all she told me was she’s with someone else. that she is no longer interested in marrying me at that point i was heart broken coz i love my girlfriend so much that i could not let go off her all of a sudden she left me, i really love her and never can imagine my life without her. not until i came across a powerful real spell caster Dr happy who promise me 24hours urgent love spell to get back with my girlfriend, good twenty-four {24} hours. hmm-mm, it was a good night time at 11:pm within the days that Dr happy told me that my girlfriend will be back, at first i heard the bell rings getting close to my door i heard someone saying honey!!!, it sound familiar i opened the door and i saw my girlfriend standing and weeping in front of me. i was not surprised because its all i have been praying for her to come back home. Guess what 2 weeks after she noticed her system and her body temperature was changed and i took her to clinic for check up and the doctor told me that there is life in her which means she was pregnant i really wants to use this opportunity to thanks Dr happy so much and the love page that directed me to Dr happy if you have any problem getting your ex back, or predicament that is worse or exactly like this you have been into, contact Dr happy on happylovespell2@gmail.com
    Whatsapp/cal +2348133873774
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    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  7. GET BACK YOUR EX FAST, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE FROM DIVORCE AND AMEND YOUR BROKEN RELATIONSHIP WITH THE HELP OF DR GREAT CALL OR WHATSAPP +2348118829899

    Hello everyone i am happy to spread my testimony of a strong spell caster called Dr Great. I'm Kaitlyn Houston and i live in USA, my husband and i had a little fight because of that he wanted to divorce me i was so afraid to lose him because i love him very much so i search online for help and i saw alot of people's testimonies on how Dr Great help them and came out with positive results like Divorces, Cancers, lotteries, fertilities and others. So i emailed him and told him my problem and he told me what to do and I did it as he instructed, 24 hours later he told me he is done with the spell and my husband will no longer divorce me and when my husband came back from work he told me he won't divorce me anymore he said he didn't know what came over him that he is sorry I was so happy and I thank Dr Great for his help If you need Dr Great help email him at infinitylovespell@gmail.com or infinitylovespell@yahoo.com my page https://kaitlynhouston19.blogspot.com you can also add him on WhatsApp +2348118829899 and he will put an end to your problem

    ReplyDelete
  8. GET BACK YOUR EX FAST, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE FROM DIVORCE AND AMEND YOUR BROKEN RELATIONSHIP WITH THE HELP OF DR GREAT CALL OR WHATSAPP +2348118829899

    Hello everyone i am happy to spread my testimony of a strong spell caster called Dr Great. I'm Kaitlyn Houston and i live in USA, my husband and i had a little fight because of that he wanted to divorce me i was so afraid to lose him because i love him very much so i search online for help and i saw alot of people's testimonies on how Dr Great help them and came out with positive results like Divorces, Cancers, lotteries, fertilities and others. So i emailed him and told him my problem and he told me what to do and I did it as he instructed, 24 hours later he told me he is done with the spell and my husband will no longer divorce me and when my husband came back from work he told me he won't divorce me anymore he said he didn't know what came over him that he is sorry I was so happy and I thank Dr Great for his help If you need Dr Great help email him at infinitylovespell@gmail.com or infinitylovespell@yahoo.com my page https://kaitlynhouston19.blogspot.com you can also add him on WhatsApp +2348118829899 and he will put an end to your problem

    ReplyDelete
  9. When i first heard about herbal remedy i never believe on such word until i had an encounter with a great traditional herbalist that was introduced to me by a friend that suffered from same genital herpes and was cure by this same man so i decided to contact him too to help get rid of my genital herpes virus i got from my cheating boyfriend.. all i was told to provide was just some useful information and some bush leaves, tree roots. He got them by himself and prepare the natural herbal cure and sent it to me with a tree roots branch to chew which i did for two week according to him. completely a month the pains the sore were gone, my skin were glowing which i haven't experience in long long time...my doctor said what happen to me is a miracle but i never told him i had herbal medication from Africa because he wouldn't approve it. my advise to all herpes patience is you should seek for the right herbal remedy and put an end to that virus.contact this herbalist today on Email: chiefdrlucky@gmail.com call his phone or What's App +2348132777335 Website : http://chiefdrluckysolutionhome.website2.me/

    ReplyDelete