Monday, February 4, 2019

Screw This Cancer Mess

Once again, it's World Cancer Day.  A day I've come to know quite well over the past 6 years.  And usually I'm this positive, upbeat person who tries to give hope to everyone.  But dammit, I am not always that person.  I debated writing this for some time today.  Given the timing of the day and everything, but I promised to be real.

So here it is guys.  Pay attention.  I am NOT cured of cancer.  My cancer is NOT in remission, please look up the word for a clearer definition.  I still have Stage 4 lung cancer that I take many medications for every single day and will do so for the rest of my life.  The side effects aren't pretty.  There are some things I've lost that I'll never get back.  One of those being time.  But, to know it, you have to live it, or be close to someone who does, and even then, you can't always get the full effect.

Recently, a fellow lung cancer survivor messaged me.  I guess I've been naive or have been in denial.  The stages of grief are crazy.  But, after 18 years, his lung cancer returned.  He, like me, had forgotten he even had scans that week.  I've always looked up to him and now I was encouraging him.  He's a fighter and I'm sure he'll come out on top.  And once he began getting things right in his head...things began to go wrong in mine.

I'm 6 years out from this diagnosis and still on my first line treatment.  Yes, I'm blessed.  But am I happy all the time?  NO.  Today is one of those days.  As my friend put it, "going so long being cancer free and then unexpectedly it's back, knocks you back into day 1 of diagnosis". 

I know I should feel blessed since I am...but it's so hard sometimes.  For instance once he got back on that saddle, all I could think of is, "this is going to kill me unless something else takes me out first".  What a way to live.  But I'm alive...that's what everyone says I should be happy about.  It's hard, losing friends and living in purgatory with one foot in this world and the other just waiting to step into the other. 

To all those that have gone before me, I miss and will always love you and so do your loved ones and may you continue to rest in peace.  To those who are still fighting, don't let this pity party girl get you down.  I'll come out of this funk.  Always do. 

I just need people to know, that for us, it is never over.  There is no cure.  To us, every ache, pain, cold, EVERYTHING is cancer returning.  This is as good as it gets for me.  This freaking pill that won't allow my hair to grow, gives me rashes, makes my skin dry out, leaves me fatigued constantly, and many more things I will not mention, also keeps me alive.  So, I don't know.  I'm here for Karley and the rest of my family and friends.  Without you guys...I would want to go ahead and hit up those pearly gates.  So, I'll keep struggling with my mortality, up my antidepressants, and maybe my next post will be sunshine and rainbows.

Thank you all for your continuous prayers.  I think I need specific ones for peace and strength right now.  And thank you for always praying for my friends.  They are so grateful.  God bless you all.

Karley turned 14!

Side Effects