Monday, December 10, 2018

Lung Cancer and Antidepressants

Well, I've had a hell of a week last week.  And on top of everything, the traveling, pure exhaustion, headaches, I ran out of antidepressants.  I didn't notice for the first few days.  But, now I know who I am without them.  It's been awful.

So, I'm going to get my refill today but they've been out of my system long enough to not be so good.  My headaches are still there, even though I had an MRI that was clear, praise God.  But the sadness...it's debilitating.  I need to go get groceries, work, clean, take a freakin shower.  I just can't right now.  I keep crying about everything.

Driving home Saturday, I heard that song "Good Old Days" by Macklemore featuring Kesha.  The lyrics literally had me in tears. 

"I wish somebody would have told me babe
Some day, these will will be the good old days
All the love you won't forget
And all these reckless nights you won't regret
Someday soon, your whole life's gonna change
You'll miss the magic of these good old days"

I immediately called my best friend from high school and we reminisced some.  And she brought up "The Office" when Andy says, "I wish there were a way to know you're in the good old days, before you've actually left them."  So true!

Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I had my antidepressants in my system or didn't have Stage 4 Lung Cancer.  The good old days, we had no cares.  Now, I wake up wishing I was that kid again.  They say ignorance is bliss.  Well, it is so true.  I'm so thankful I didn't know what lay ahead.  And to all those missing loved ones or going through hard times over these holidays, don't be ashamed to ask for help.  You aren't alone.  I'm just throwing it out there.  I NEED these antidepressants to feel normal, to be happy at times.  It wasn't until this cancer that I needed them, but now I know for sure I can't run out again.

So, this is me, off antidepressants for the moment and completely miserable.  It'll take a bit for them to get back in my system.  Meanwhile, I may post silly stuff and smile, because it's what I do.  And maybe I'm in the good old days and am just not appreciating it.  I don't know much lately.  I just know today.  And today, I'm miserable and praying for peace.  Thanks for listening and your continuous prayers.  The storm doesn't last forever.

Jennifer Shaeffer and me...approximately 21 years old