"I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
Even the best fall down sometimes" - Howie Day
Although I know, I will see your face light up again, but I'm not sure when. Two years and one hour ago today was the last time I saw that smile. It wasn't the best one, because I know you were in pain and we were all angry they didn't admit you. If I could go back in time Roy, I would. We all would. Had we known that you were going to leave us that day, we would go back in a heartbeat.
You were so stubborn. And you made us laugh constantly. The things that came out of your mouth...just had me laughing forever. Those are the things I chose to remember about you 99% of the time. The other 1% is the thought that we should have done more, we just didn't know.
I would have definitely bought you something better than Wendy's.
Today will forever be a day of mourning for me. It was the last time I saw your smile, held you and told you it would be okay, helped the paramedics because one couldn't stand the smell of vomit. How can you be a paramedic and not handle that? Today is the last day I was able to help you in any way. By the time the evening arrived, it was too late.
I kept telling you it was going to be okay. Amp was so worried you would be mad if we called 911. I never really cared when you got mad at me...which was a few times. I just wanted you here. You were my cancer buddy, my friend that understood, my neighbor, my co-worker. You have no idea how much you meant.
I know you were in so much pain that day. You were so strong, always. But I know you hated the cancer life. You hated depending on anyone for help. You wanted to help everyone else. Always.
I'm so thankful the last words we ever said to each other were that we loved each other. When you have cancer, you never know. Today, my heart is aching. I was so wrong. I was selfish to want you here. You didn't want to have cancer forever.
I think about you laying across the street, with no one there to help you. You made it to the bathroom. I'm so glad Amp stopped by. Although it didn't save you, you know you weren't alone. You opened those eyes. You knew we were there. I still believe you're watching over all of your family and friends. You are unforgettable. One of a kind. Never to be replaced.
They took you off life support the next day. We all knew, there was no coming back. I never thought you would go before me. I was wrong again. I miss you so much. I am forever making this day my mourning day for you whether you like it or not because you can't argue with me and I can be selfish on this day. I want to just remember you. The good and bad times. The time you made me so mad when I was in NC I threw my phone at the wall (thank God it didn't break). We didn't speak for weeks! It was so stupid, so stupid. Today should've never happened and I will always and forever blame that hospital.
Roy, I'm sorry I didn't check on you more. I'm sorry for not being the friend I should have been.
This is a hard week for Roy's family and friends. Please pray for them peace and strength. Anniversaries are always hard. God bless you all and Roy, I love you my friend. I'll see you on the other side.
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