My sweet angel

My sweet angel

Monday, June 19, 2017

What is there left to say...

I don't know.  I've tried for years to be positive.  To be some sort of hope and inspiration for others.  And though I may be because of my fight on a first line treatment so long, it is the loneliest road traveled.  So many friends I've lost.  So many people don't want to be close to me because I'm a ticking time bomb.  

Everyone worries, but they shouldn't.  I'm not going anywhere until God is ready for me to.  I am just so tired.   Tired of living with this, tired of losing friends,tired of watching friends suffer, and tired of my life being stuck.  It's a life of every 20 weeks now.  

I sound like such a baby because I'm doing well, physically.  Luckily, I'm going to my psychiatrist this week and adjust my meds because mentally, I'm in such a funk.  Hopefully, I'll be out of it soon.  One of my friends is not doing well at all.  It physically is making me sick.  I feel like I can't get out of bed so much more now.  I did today and Saturday.  I'm trying, trying so very hard not to give up on life.  I have so much to live for.  My baby makes me get up, I don't want her to see me like that.  But it's the kinda of trauma that never leaves you, every. single. day. you live with it.

Maybe one day, with your prayers, and by the grace of God, we can live.


  1. You've got 4 years of survivorship... you have a gift to share with others, and I know you can do it! Pray for strength for whatever you have to face. Perseverance leads to hope! Tomma Hargraves

  2. Hey Sam, thinking about you. Just wanted you to know that I do actually read your blog!

    1. Thanks Trav! Can always count on you for a good laugh 😊

  3. I was dx with stage IV nsclc on Dec. 3, 2013. Never-smoker but I live in a polluted world and my DNA was mutated so I take a daily targeted therapy and struggle with the tremendous aide effects. I was the prodigal daughter for twelve years, calling out to God the previous several months before my dx that I needed forgiveness and Him.
    Your blog came up on..., jeez I just found it and my chemo brain has already forgotten HOW I found it.
    We have a friend in common, Chris Draft took my husband and I to a football game in our hometown. He is a wonderful advocate for us and I am so thankful he has remained faithful to working so very hard on our behalf.
    I have only read the last month or so of your blogs but O feel like I could have written them. I am so lonely at times and so jealous of friends that can keep up their friendships.
    ������❤️ I hope we can meet at the corner of Glory & Hallelujah Drives when we move to our eternal home and we can dance before the Lord together.
    Mary Oscko

  4. That is so sweet Mary. And I love the name of the streets in our eternal home! Chris Draft does rock. I don't know what we would do without his stength and tenacity! God bless you!