My sweet angel

My sweet angel

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Loss - Revised for language only

This is a heart breaking roller coaster that no one can understand unless you've lived.  One day you're happy, one day you just want to be done.  Well, today is one of those days.

Am I selfish?  Yes.  I wanted more children, I want to see Karley grow up, I want to be one of the old annoying drivers.  But little by little I get discouraged.  I get drained.  I feel like there is so much negativity surrounding me and it's really more than I can handle.

Notice I said "I" a lot because I'm selfish.  This isn't the way my world was supposed to turn out and people that I've loved just ripped my heart out and stomped on it into a million pieces today.  Because I'm selfish.  Because I don't ask enough questions about them.  I'm sorry, but I have a lot of stuff constantly running through my head, non-stop, to the point I can barely sleep, barely breath, and I try so very hard to hold it together so my loved ones don't feel bad.  For them.  I hold it together.

But you know what, that's sad. I'm done holding it together.  If you can't take me as I am, then get out of my life.  I promise you I will never contact you again.  I don't care what your excuse is, but when I go out of my way to be as nice as possible or need a little encouragement to get through the day, and you am ripped apart, Screw it.  I didn't do anything wrong and still say I'm sorry and I still continue to be cussed out?  Just forget it.  There is no going back.

I know this is satan's way of getting to me and he's doing a very good job with a little help.  I have cried as much today as the day my friend Roy died.  There's that "I" again.  All about me.

Guess what people, I still have cancer!  Shocker!  It's not active due to my drug but it sure isn't going any where. So I get to live every three months holding my breath, forever.  Knowing I could die at any moment.  So if I want to have a pity party for the rest of the month I will.  The only people I need to hold myself together for are the people I live with and  my family and friends.

Yes, cancer has taken away a great deal of things from me, but I will not let it take away my happiness.  So, like I said, I'm done with people who are so into their own little worlds that they can't or even try to comprehend what I live with emotionally every single day.  At least they don't have to worry about dying on their "kid".  And for those who couldn't have children, I'm so sorry.  Because they do make life worth living.  And I'm sorry for being selfish.  I have no excuse.

I feel better now.  I had to get that off my chest.  I'm so done with people thinking I'm okay.  I'm a train wreck.  I hold it together for the ones that help hold me together.

I took the language out because I was reminded that God wouldn't approve.  I retorted that I'm not Jesus and I'm a sinner.  God can forgive.  The only thing I took out was the language, the content is the same and I feel the same way.  I haven't changed the way I feel but will work towards that because it's not healthy to let someone in your life make you so very unhappy.  You have to walk in someone's shoes before you can really know their pain.  This is my outlet and I will not sugar coat it to make others "feel better". I get angry sometimes.  Take me as I am or don't let the door hit you on the way out.  I didn't ask for any of this and am trying to make the best of it.  But we all have our days and our moments where we can't deal and need those loved ones to be there for us, when they're not, it only makes it worse.  And I think I totally need the shirt at the end.  I think that about sums it up.  And just so you know, it's rare I have a bad day unless someone pushes me to that point, hence this post.




8 comments:

  1. Yes! I'm Stage IV NSCLC. I live my life 90 days at a time, scan to scan. Thru this, I've been amazed at those who ran towards me and those who built walls and ran away. Cursed, cry, get all that shit out there. This is a tough fight.

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    1. Thank you! It does feel better not to be alone but it sucks for all of us

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  2. I'm truly sorry you have been experiencing any of that. Even though I don't have cancer, I went through some pretty awful things with family. I am one of 9 brothers and sisters and don't interact with any of them. For years there was always that tension with them. Pettiness, bullying, or just plain mean-spirited behavior. So much drama! Like you, one day I had finally had enough and walked away. It's been 10 years now and I have never looked back and never regretted my decision because I have been at peace. I was tired of compromising my happiness for them (for anyone really). It is not selfish to want to be in a loving, harmonious relationship with anyone. And it is certainly not selfish to want to be happy! Many persons allow others to mistreat them. Not me. I will tell you that it took me about a year to realize I had made the right decision to get away from these family members. Initially, I felt guilty (that whole "blood is thicker than water" mentality) but eventually realized how much HAPPIER I was. They never called nor apologized which I believe is because they don't think they are doing anything wrong. Plus we need to be in a peaceful, happy state of mind to be healthy. That's why stress is so bad for us. You don't need anything that will contribute to your health negatively! It's time to take your Life *and* your Health back. Cut out the toxic, human cancers. I wish you much happiness & health in 2017.



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    1. Thank you so much for your reply. I've been going back and forth in my head over it. I choose to forgive if it's offered, but you're right. Stress is toxic. I guess I'll have to just trust that they can see...I need that happiness.

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  3. Sam, I really do not think that you are being the selfish one here. As one of your friends knowing some of what you have been thru and all these people are concerned about is whether you are asking them questions about their life? Hello? I think you are better off just being concerned about yourself and your family. If these people cannot understand that, you don't need them. Yes, it hurts when the people you thought were your friends cut out on you. Funny how when I quit working and started dealing with chronic pain I have no one calling on me. Some of those people I would have walked thru fire for. But, now I know. Take your time and go thru the emotions of losing them. I know I had to. You will come out on the other side. You know who your friends are by the ones who stay with you thru the thick and thin. Take care and keep posting! I wish you the best!

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    1. Thank you Annette. You're right. I realized that after working and stopping too. I think the right people will stay in my life.

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    2. I feel so much love and heartache for you and i empathize with your justified fear, pain and anger.
      I was stage one 3 years ago but still no sign of return ... and my known spots are stable and small. so with each passing year them staying that way keeps me hopeful they're not more cancer.
      Your reality is so different than mine and I feel so sad yes that both of us got this disease, but even more sad for your shi%%ier reality.
      My message is lame I know, but I get you. Never can you forget and live life like you did pre cancer, so as hard as you try to be the old Samantha, you can't. And you shouldn't apologize for it.
      The weight is heavy.
      Colleen

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  4. Samantha - we went to Jonesboro together but we didn't know each other (I graduated class of 2000). I've seen some of our mutual friends post about you and I've read some of your blog posts before but I've never commented. I know you have plenty of friends and family who love you deeply but I wanted to tell that if you ever need someone to vent to or laugh with I'm here. I get it. It sucks that I get it, but I do. I had non-hodgkins lymphoma and finished treatments December 2015. I'm not still living with it the way you are but I'll always carry it with me. I still apologize to people for having bad days too but I need to learn to stop because cancer is hard and bad days happen. It is what it is. Anyway, I hope you are having a happier day today and I hope you will get to be a cranky old driver one day. <3 Brittany

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