Sunday, November 27, 2016

4, 5, go.....

Back to that late Friday night, early Saturday morning.  Why couldn't I stop crying?  Of course my sister pissed me off but what sister doesn't occasionally?  Reggie and Sonja were sincerely worried about me.  I was worried about myself.   I wasn't seeing things as they were.  My vision was not quite right.  My depth perception was off.  And I kept crying.  I'm the one that usually made Brook cry, what in the hell was going on?

Honestly, I had felt like I was dying for a few months but couldn't get a doctor to confirm it.  The headaches, confusion, fatigue, weight loss, loss of eyesight on more than one occasion, and finally the blood that I had spit up the week before.  They were signs.  And God has always given me signs when something was going on.  When I needed to do something.  That Sunday after Thanksgiving was horrible.  As I lay on the couch, contemplating the past few months and what they meant, I knew this was my last chance to have someone advocate for me to be seen in detail.   Someone who would not take "no" for an answer.   There is no greater love than that of a parent for their child.  I knew what I had to do, I had to have my mom take me.  I knew if I didn't, death would be knocking at my door in a few weeks.  I knew it to my very core.  I no longer had the energy to even speak.  Everything was blurry.  Not having control of your own body is one of the most frightening things that can happen.

The rest you've heard before.  Piedmont Henry confirming the brain tumor.  Transferring to Piedmont Atlanta, waking up after brain surgery.  And on Tuesday November 27, 2012, 4 years ago today, I heard those four words that would change the course of my life forever.  I never thought 4 words could have such an impact or that anything in this life could make me feel as helpless as when they said, "You have lung cancer".  Those 4 words, forever scarring my life.  What do you do when you get that news?  You think that you have control still.   You can fix this, "can it be cured, lets start chemo now"   Followed by a "no".  Then the inevitable, "how much longer do I have?"  Followed by, "with what we know now, 12-18 months".

NO, I had just turned 33 and was a single mom to a 7 year old little girl.  This was a dream,no, a nightmare.  I felt like I was floating.  But, I wasn't and it was no dream.  It was the grim harsh reality  that had been flung upon me like a thief in the night.  That thief stole my life, I thought.

Looking back, 4 years later, even under heavy amounts of pain relievers, I still remember it as if it were yesterday.  It was such a defining moment in my life.  There was a before, and now we are in the after.  Ironically, I don't know which one I prefer more.  The before gives you a false sense of invincibility whereas the after, well, you know what's going to happen.   You're just not sure when.  It brings it to the forefront of your mind.  But it also gives you a chance to get your life right, with God and your family and friends.  It's not the quantity of years that define who we were, but the quality is how we are remembered and how we live up to our greatest potential.

So, this is my 4 year cancerversary.   This is Team Draft's 5 year anniversary that Chris and Keasha  started when they were married, 11/27/11.  Sadly she passed away the next month.  She was a fighter, and so beautiful.  Her tenacity and love for life is still an inspiration to me. Chris has become a very good friend over these past 4 years.   We've laughed together and cried together (maybe it was just me crying).  We've lost so many but I can't stop speaking out.  Team Draft makes that possible, as does Lung Force, Lungevity, Free to Breathe, and Bonnie J Addario.  I'm a patient advocate for the Bonnie J Addario foundation, and as an advocate for this foundation, it is my duty to persuade you to give to this organization that has been the center for so much research, especially for young people, like me.

Giving Tuesday is this Tuesday.  If the Lord puts it in your heart to give, please consider the  Bonnie J. Addario Foundation.  I want to see my girl graduate from high school, college, get married.  I want to be a grandmother.  Please help us.  I've lost so many friends to cancer,  If you don't want to donate to Bonnie J. Addario, please consider another lung cancer organization as we are so underfunded, yet the deadliest of all cancers, both male and female.  I named several in the paragraph above.  Just google them.

And by the Grace of God, I am so thankful to still be here.  And I can't even put into words the emotions that I feel when thinking about how far I've come.  I owe it all to our God and His grace.  I know I'm not alone, and neither are you.

Thank you all for your continuous prayers.  God bless you!  And let's continue Team Draft's mission to change the face of lung cancer!

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Giving Thanks

On this very day (late night Friday, early morning Saturday), in 2012, I was hanging out with Sonja and Reggie visiting my family for Thanksgiving.  We went to Taco Mac that night, it was  Friday the 23rd.  My sister and I began arguing because she believed I was taking pain pills for recreational use. I don't blame her, I would've thought the same thing.  We argued that night and I stayed with Reggie and Sonja at a hotel across the street.

I kept crying, uncontrollably all night.  It wasn't like me....at all.  The next day we left, I was exhausted but felt better and the 3 of us loaded up in my car to take Sonja back to Douglasville.  I felt fine to drive and my headache was gone.  After leaving her, we headed back to Stockbridge to get Reggie's car.  I asked him to drive though because I could feel my headache returning.  

Suddenly, a wave a nausea overcame me and poor Reggie crossed 6 lanes to get to the side of the road.  I vomited profusely.  But it was white.   I hadn't eaten anything.  Instead of getting his car, Reggie drove me to my dad's.  Karley was at my mom's.

Reggie let my dad know what was going on and I laid down his couch where I didn't move all day or night.  Both of my parents were concerned I had a drug problem at that point too.  But, Sunday morning, the 25th, I asked them to take me to the hospital.  I knew something was wrong.   Something had been wrong for a long time.  But I needed someone to advocate for more tests.  I knew that person was my mom.  I knew she would not take no for an answer.

After they performed an MRI of my brain, they came in and told us the news of the brain tumor and would be transferring me to Piedmont Atlanta for brain surgery.  I had my dad bring Karley to the hospital so I could give her a hug and tell her I loved her, just in case I didn't make it out.

I don't remember much until 11/27/12 when the crainiotomy was complete and I was told I had lung cancer, stage 4.  I was told there was no cure but it could be treated to an extent.  I was told, as far as they knew at that point, I had 12-18 months left to live.

Wow.  Imagine yourself getting that kind of news.  However, there was a silver lining....maybe a few of them.

I quit working, found out I had an EGFR Mutation so could take a pill a day instead of traditional chemo, and decided to spend more time with my daughter and with my own life, making long lasting memories.

I don't believe God "gave me cancer", but I don't think he prevented it either.  I think it is part of my story and always has been.  Without cancer, I would be working like crazy and not spending time with family and friends or making memories.  We always think we have time, but when you know you don't, your perspectives change fast.

This Sunday will be my 4 year cancerversary and Team Draft's 5th year anniversary.  We will be celebrating with them before heading back to St. Simons.  I wasn't expected to live this long, and I'm living it well.  God put me where I needed to be this time of year four years ago.  He put me with the people He knew would take care of Ms. Independent.

I look back, and I give Him so much thanks.  God has taught me more than I would've ever known in these past four years and has made a true believer and follower out of Karley.  This alone makes this life worth living.

Well, I'll have some more posts in the next few days, giving thanks and remembering.  I am so very blessed.  I have a wonderful husband, daughter, and stepdaughter I get to spend today with as well as my parents.  I am one blessed chick.

Thank you all for your continuous prayers and please pray for the families and victims of the Tennessee bus crash.

And remember, you don't know when it will be your time.  Make your amends now, tell your loved ones how you feel, stop and enjoy the moments, for tomorrow is not promised.

I give thanks to God for the time I've had and hopefully will continue to have.   Thank you Lord!

The beginning of the end of the old me.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Just when I thought things were "normal"

Things went south Tuesday..  I was fine all morning, had just gotten ready to go volunteer at my old job when the pain started.  I felt like someone was stabbing me and twisting the knife in my right Hunched over I walked to the kitchen and found the Tramadol prescribed for Data (our dog) after neutering.  He wasn't on it long and I know it wasn't too powerful because he's a yorkie.  After laying there for a wile I made my way back to the bed and called my friend Cheri on the island to take me to urgent care.

She was at my house in minutes and we waited in urgent care.  Once they saw me they began giving me IV fluids (I was vomiting).  Then they told me they weren't equipped to handle my case so had called for an ambulance.  Great - another bill!
Once arriving in the ER I explained that I had an ovarian cyst on the left and one on the right.  The one on the right was significantly larger and that's where the pain was coming from.  My last petscan it measured at 4 cm.  The previous petscan before that, it was 2 cm.

So, we knew it was growing.  My oncologist asked that I go see my OBGYN.  I made the appt and saw her last Thursday.  She didn't see anything wrong with them and said they'll probably go away on their own.

Well, my right one went out with a bang Tuesday.  The 4 cm cyst ruptured, son the same side I've had radiation, etc  The pain was horrific.  Thank God I was already dressed with make up on.  My last ambulance  ride I only had a robe on.

After a multitude of tests, this is what I heard them say "you have a cyst on your left ovary but not one on your right".  Well, let me tell you, it's hard being right all of the time!  JK  It had ruptured.

I have to go back tomorrow if I'm still having pain to ensure it's not a hemorrhagic bleed and please excuse any errors in this as I am seeing 2 screens right now....about to go back to sleep.

This has nothing to do with my cancer, praise the Lord, it's just a small hurtle during this lifetime.  And with all that I've been through and my cancer friends have been through, this is probably a laughable thing.   But let me tell you....I hate pain!  The pain pills help so much though.  But I've been taking with phenegran so I don't get sick.

It beats taking dog pain pills.  My dad has consumed cat food on more than one occasion, so I think of that and it makes me feel a little bit better about myself.  Lol!

Thank you God for making this small bump in the road one that I can easily pass.  Thank you all for your continuous prayers and support and since I'm not in pain, you may go ahead and laugh at the fact that I thought to take dog pain killers.  I mean, really?  Who does that?  This desperate girl.  And thank you for staying with me Cheri.  You won over the heart of my mom for sure!

God bless you all!

PS - couldn't write in my lung cancer blog, during lung cancer awareness month, without something to do with lung cancer, so see below.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

A Little Bit of This and That

I've been a bad lung cancer advocate this month.  I keep living life and not thinking about it...what is wrong with me?

Yes, I went through my pity party stage for a few months, but now I'm like making Karley's halloween costume last minute and already ready to put Christmas decorations up.  Why, of all months am I not advocating like crazy?  Oh yeah, I'm too busy living with lung cancer.

My computer totally failed me so I got a new cheap laptop I can put in my purse when I travel.  Super excited about that.  It's my Christmas present to myself.

Speaking of Christmas, I cannot wait.  Going to the last city on my current bucket list.  We will wake up Christmas morning in NYC!  My parents worked for the airlines so I'm fairly traveled, but we never made it to NYC.

Ok.  I promised I would advocate and I am.  Let's end the stigma of lung cancer.  Let's donate for more funding so I can quit pestering you and get a freakin cure.  This way I can watch my girl grow up and I won't be bugging you!   I really think it's a win-win for everyone.  Really.

And to our country....STOP THE HATE!  Please don't debate me because I refuse to engage, but I do think we have the greatest nation in the world, although we do have our problems.  But they aren't going to be fixed by hating each other.  Love makes the world go around.  Don't stop loving your neighbor.  Rise above the hate.

Well, that is all for now. Here is a short video for giving LCAM  Bonnie J Addario Video If you would like to donate to Bonnie J Addario for giving Tuesday or any other day, here is the link Giving Tuesday.

Thank you for your continuous prayers for my friends and myself.  Additionally, just wanted to let you know if you didn't already that my friend Reggie's Brain Tumor came back stable!!!!  God is good!  And thank you Denise Whittall for the wonderful cake and donation to lung cancer awareness.  I'll be mailing it to Bonnie J Addario foundation for you!

Traditional celebratory Mexican lunch

She's the Wishbone App

They're all so cute.  iPhone apps!

Thank you Denise!


Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Life As I Live It

I know it's been a while since I've posted.  Today is the first day of Lung Cancer Awareness month, and the day after my birthday, and this month is my 4th year living with this beast.   So, how could I not write?  It's what I've come to love when expressing my feelings and emotions now.

I would like to say things get easier as time passes, but they haven't for me.  I've lost so many friends but can't leave this world I've become a part of because I need these people, that are like me, and we can share our fears, accomplishments, sympathies, struggles....and the list goes on and on and on.

This has been a really tough year so far and quite frankly I'm ready for 2017.  But there's something about the year coming to an end.  A finality of everything you're leaving behind in 2016.  You're moving on....some are not.  Survivor's guilt is a bitch.  I will say that and be completely honest.  Every time a friend is lost, you think about why it wasn't you.  You thank God it wasn't you, but it tears away at your soul, pieces at a time.  Sometimes I wonder how much I have left to offer.

To all my friends and family, thank you for your continuous prayers and support.  And please pray the stigma surrounding lung cancer stops!  It is is hurting our funding for research so drastically.  We need a cure, not a a band aid.

And to all my family and friends, thank you for continuing to be here for me.  Some have left, but I just came to find out they were never really friends anyway.  I'm so much better off without someone that will jump ship when times get tough or they're just a drunk that thinks I am the cause of all their problems.....ha ha.  Yes, there are people out there that need to get help and quit blaming their problems on everyone else. Get away from these people as fast as possible.  They are so toxic to your life.

I know I'm not the funniest person to be around sometimes and am sleepy a lot.  I'm sorry, it's just all of this takes such a toll on one's emotional health.  Any other bad things that happen....I can just barely take anymore.

I used to be so strong, and I know I haven't completely lost that strength.  I think I'm just saving it for when I really need it.  For a rainy day.

We have decided to go to New York for Christmas.  It really is the last city on my bucket list and I'm super excited.  The girls opted for the trip instead of presents.  They are such sweet girls.

Anyway, I'll write more later, as for now, I need to get up and get some things done around this house.  Thank you again for your prayers and listening to my rants and so fourth.  I will be doing a lot of writing about Lung Cancer this month.  I'm an advocate....and sometimes need a break, but not this month.

Thank you God for giving me this precious time.  Nearly 4 years ago, the age of 37 seemed impossible.   But with God, all things are possible.

Lung Cancer Survivors with Chris Draft.  Go Falcons!

For the people I referred to in my post, we learn this so young...