Saturday, May 7, 2016

Mother's Day - Cancer Mom/Daughter Perspective

Mother's Day is so special to me.  Without Karley, I wouldn't be a mother, so she is the reason I celebrate this day.

I was watching a recording of Grey's Anatomy last night, and in a twisted way it reminded me of how I was when first diagnosed.  The two mothers are arguing over custody of a small child.  One of the mothers realized it would be better to relinquish custody than to have her child ripped apart.  The story taken from 1 Kings 3:16-27 when Solomon must decide the true mother of the baby.

In a way, that's how I felt in the beginning, but under different circumstances.  At that time, I was more willing to let John have Karley, than to allow her to be ripped apart by watching me pass away of this disease.  I began pushing her away, asking John to take her more.  I tried to distance myself from her any way possible.  This wasn't the right thing to do, I found out from my therapist.  It does prove my love for her is greater than the love for myself.  I thought, if she didn't love me as much and wasn't around me so much, it would be easier on her when I'm gone.  My feelings didn't matter, I really wanted her around every second, but I would do anything in the world not to hurt her.  I didn't want her ripped apart.

I am glad that I changed for both of our sake.  I've lived a lot longer than expected and built so many wonderful memories, and I continue to do so.  I've realized that she will be hurt regardless of my actions should I pass away.  But, I want her to remember me as the mother that loved her more than anything in the world.  I guess all of that in the beginning was a way of dealing with everything.  Thank God for that therapist.    And thank you God for carrying me through all of the darkness the beginning entailed.  The cancer is still with me, just sleeping.  But I know with God, all things are possible.

Now, we are happy and loving life and I gained a stepdaughter, Livi.  So now there are two of them to love.  And I do love them with all of my heart.  Livi isn't my biological daughter and I can never replace her mother, nor would I ever try, but I do love her very much and will continue to be here for both of them as long as the good Lord allows.

Thank you all for your continuous prayers.  Please pray for all of the others out there, with this same burden, because they love their children so much.  Pray for them to have peace and do what's best for the children.  And thank you mom, for always being here for me.  For giving me strength, advice, love and support always when I needed it most.  I love you so much.  I couldn't ask for a better mom.


  1. Sorry to hear of your battle with Stage IV lung cancer. It takes a lot of courage to blog about your journey and just remember that you are helping others by sharing your experience.

    If you would have ever considered a trying a clinical trial, there is one for late-stage lung cancer patients - check out www.startrktrials.com to see if you qualify and if there is a clinic near you.

    God Bless.

  2. Am so proud of your courage and i want you to know that you are not just helping yourself with this but helping others too and am sure you will win this battle because you are not alone any more ...

    1. Thank you so much Harrell! I'm not sure if I'm courageous. I just want others to know they aren't alone. God bless you and thank you for your kind words!