My sweet angel

My sweet angel

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Mama said there'd be days like this...they suck

In the past two weeks, I have gone in for a petscan, had bloodwork, gotten results, gone to Atlanta twice and taken the kids for spring break.  I also, within this span, went to my gyno today to get more bloodwork and an ultrasound.  Little did I know, I was moments away from a complete meltdown.

After the ultrasound, I went in to see my gyno.  They had me do the usual undress, etc.  So, I lay there, waiting in stirrups staring at the ceiling, my mind somewhat blank.  When she comes in, she says something that literally made me tear up and after I left that hospital I cried the entire hour ride home.  She said, "sit up dear, we don't need to do an exam, you've been poked and prodded more than anyone should have endure in their lifetime.  I'll spare you."

No one had ever acknowledged that in the medical field.  Not only that, I was in the maternity wing and was robbed of ever having another child less than a month after my 33rd birthday.  So, it's very hard for me to even go in those places anymore without crying.  The smell, the surroundings, just take me back to when Karley was born, the happiest day of my life.

So, after the visit, I climbed into my car and completely lost it.  I lost it for the children I can never have, for the future I may not have, for my sweet girl that I never want to let down or leave, for my sweet family and husband that I don't want to see me suffer.   And for the doctor for finally, after over 3 years, acknowledging how rough it is.  Maybe it's good because I've been holding back for so long, but finally someone acknowledged my struggle.  I'm not sure if they were tears of joy at that moment in the room, but the others were tears of sorrow.

You see, sometimes you get bored with your life, things change in an instant, and you would give anything to have that old life back, just with a newer perspective because of that change.

My heart may be shattered today, maybe tomorrow, I don't know how long.  What I do know is that I will pick up the pieces and put them back together and keep going, for all of those I love.  I feel selfish even writing this because of the people that are so much worse off than me.  So of course that makes it even worse.

Thank you for continuous support and prayers.  Please pray for Carmen Frye, Kim Ringen, Deena Long and Ansley Jones as they battle this monster right now too.  God bless you all and thank you.




5 comments:

  1. Dark days come for us. Grace is there saying I'm enough. Grace says I've healed you and there's nothing you can do to deserve it. That's who He is :-) Isaiah 53:4&5 in the Amplified

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  2. Hugs and love to you, Sam. Thanks for reminding us of your vulnerabilities and realities of your life with cancer. You are strong, but human! It breaks my heart for you and your beautiful family having to go through this. I am also thankful for the joy you have found with the Lord, Karley, and now your wonderful family! I continue to pray for your healing daily! A day of ice cream in bed, movies and family time is what I would prescribe if I were your doctor.

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  3. Hugs and love to you, Sam. Thanks for reminding us of your vulnerabilities and realities of your life with cancer. You are strong, but human! It breaks my heart for you and your beautiful family having to go through this. I am also thankful for the joy you have found with the Lord, Karley, and now your wonderful family! I continue to pray for your healing daily! A day of ice cream in bed, movies and family time is what I would prescribe if I were your doctor.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Megan. It can be a roller coaster. You're so sweet and yes I have been blessed. I need to make you my doctor for real!

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