Monday, April 25, 2016

No...I'm not normally crazy...

They say you find out you find out who really cares about you when you step back and take a look at who's still by your side when you go through hard times.

About two weeks ago I went through one of those.  I had forgotten to take my prozac for several days and was on progesterone (which leads to depression and PMS like symptoms).  Needless to say, I was a joy to be around and was unacceptably cruel to one of my friends, okay...a few of them.  But, that's when I found out they were true friends.  I didn't think so at the time.  I was bottom of the barrel miserable with my life.  The true friends forgave.  They know that you have so much going on, you are treading water to stay afloat.  I'm always a mess after the stress of scans.

But, I was blessed for that bout of meanness and depression I went through because my friends showed their true colors.  I may have lost one (none of the ones I was mean too), but it's okay.  It just wasn't meant to be.  You can build years of a friendship with someone, but the unreal ones won't forgive or will call you a liar or take everything you say in the wrong context.  That's the kind of person you don't need as a stressor.  Pick your battles wisely.  No point in wasting energy on someone who has already made up their mind about you.

No one really knows what it's like to walk in your shoes.  I need to remember this more about other people myself.  Other people have problems too and I really gave myself a pity party, which I regret.  I try to stay strong.  My dad always says, "the army don't want you if you ain't tough".  Ummm, I never wanted to be in the army, so that was a mute point.  But I have striven to remain strong.  I don't have to be, that's what our God is for, I know I am weak.  After giving it all to Him to worry about, it becomes a peace that's indescribable.  I mourned the loss of that friend for a short while, but looked around at the beauty, blessings, family, and friends I have and let it all go.  I am a forgiver...always will be.

I encourage you all to do the same.  Forgiveness takes courage.  So the friends I was mean to, they are pretty courageous in my book because I know how mean I can be, which I try not to. That was the old me and I regret letting it out.  I guess I wanted to share this all with you, not only to get it off of my chest, but to let you know that life doesn't have to be so stressful and one person should not have made such a dent in my normally positive attitude.

Onto newer things, I met Karley's father's girlfriend.  She's amazing  She snapped some shots of all of us at the mexican restaurant.  I think we are all obsessed with mexican food.  I know I am.  I'm blessed that she's found her way into Karley and John's lives.  I couldn't be happier for them.  Thank you for all you do Megan.

And I'm blessed for my family at home.  Brent, Karley, and Livi complete me.  I love to hear the girl's play or work together cleaning.  I am so happy with my life.  Just stay away from me near scans...before and after!

Thank you for all of your continuous prayers for us.  Please continue to pray for Carmen Frye, Ansley Jones, Chaseman, Deena Long, and all of the others suffering from these horrible illnesses.

God has a plan for all of us, we just don't know what it is yet.  He said in this life, there will be troubles.  I believe Him now!  But I also trust in His plan, regardless of what it is.

God bless you all!

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Mama said there'd be days like this...they suck

In the past two weeks, I have gone in for a petscan, had bloodwork, gotten results, gone to Atlanta twice and taken the kids for spring break.  I also, within this span, went to my gyno today to get more bloodwork and an ultrasound.  Little did I know, I was moments away from a complete meltdown.

After the ultrasound, I went in to see my gyno.  They had me do the usual undress, etc.  So, I lay there, waiting in stirrups staring at the ceiling, my mind somewhat blank.  When she comes in, she says something that literally made me tear up and after I left that hospital I cried the entire hour ride home.  She said, "sit up dear, we don't need to do an exam, you've been poked and prodded more than anyone should have endure in their lifetime.  I'll spare you."

No one had ever acknowledged that in the medical field.  Not only that, I was in the maternity wing and was robbed of ever having another child less than a month after my 33rd birthday.  So, it's very hard for me to even go in those places anymore without crying.  The smell, the surroundings, just take me back to when Karley was born, the happiest day of my life.

So, after the visit, I climbed into my car and completely lost it.  I lost it for the children I can never have, for the future I may not have, for my sweet girl that I never want to let down or leave, for my sweet family and husband that I don't want to see me suffer.   And for the doctor for finally, after over 3 years, acknowledging how rough it is.  Maybe it's good because I've been holding back for so long, but finally someone acknowledged my struggle.  I'm not sure if they were tears of joy at that moment in the room, but the others were tears of sorrow.

You see, sometimes you get bored with your life, things change in an instant, and you would give anything to have that old life back, just with a newer perspective because of that change.

My heart may be shattered today, maybe tomorrow, I don't know how long.  What I do know is that I will pick up the pieces and put them back together and keep going, for all of those I love.  I feel selfish even writing this because of the people that are so much worse off than me.  So of course that makes it even worse.

Thank you for continuous support and prayers.  Please pray for Carmen Frye, Kim Ringen, Deena Long and Ansley Jones as they battle this monster right now too.  God bless you all and thank you.