Saturday, July 18, 2015

I'm So Lost

So I'm on my second bout of pneumonia in 2 months.  Fun fun!  But, most importantly, we lost Gretchen Mitchell Anderson to brain cancer.  It is devastating.  When will this ever end?   When will we stop losing our children, spouses, mothers, fathers, brothers,,and sisters to this horrible disease.  I have no idea.  And this, my friends, may be the hardest part.   Because when you become a parent, that will always come first...whether it be caregiver or cancer patient.  It's hard to relate until you in that position..

The fact that I keep getting pneumonia is somewhat worrisome, but I know there are others worse off that I'm praying for.  Gretchen's passing hit me especially hard.  She was diagnosed about 5 months after me so we spoke a lot about our futures.  Now, just my future, which I'm totally unsure of.  I miss her, so very much.  She was always worried about me more than herself, such a kind soul.  As Emily Dickinson wrote, "unable are the loved to die, for love is immortality".  It's fitting in just a way that her memory will never be forgotten.

But as you all know, I still have my own battle that I try to fight every day.  Some days are better than others.  And today.....well, I started getting angry.  How could this happen to us?  We are so young.  We have children to raise.  What are they going to do without us?   I'm trying to push Karley to grow up faster than she probably should, I'm just scared to not be there for her.   I've gotten her involved in church and am trying to steer her in the right direction.  But, I don't want to lose the time with her.  Not one second.

So thank you all for the continuous prayera for my friends and me.  Even though they are not always the outcome we hoped for, God knows what he is doing.  I trust in that.  Please continue to pray for Gretchen's family, Brad Graves, and Carmen Frye. .Your prayers do work wonders.  

And Gretchen, we miss you more than you'll ever know.  You were so brave, you did not let cancer win.  You are my inspiration.  Til we meet again at those pearly gates, you will be in my heart always.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Reason 57 Cancer Sucks

I totally made that reason number up.   There are so many reasons, I can't even list them all.  One of the hardest is losing friends.  You get sick.  You find a friend(s) you may have known forever that end up with cancer too.  You form a bond.  Not a bar hopping bond, but a bond of faith and love.   A bond where you share your fears, hopes, dreams, and anxieties that a lot of people don't understand.  Many of us younger cancer fighters fear being unable to watch our children grow up.  We trust in God to take care of them, but we don't want to miss it.  It doesn't seem fair.  But it happens. 

It is gut wrenching to lose these friends.  It's like losing a piece of your heart that can't be replaced.  Yet, it's just another symptom of cancer.  Yes, it's a symptom, it's a heartache that shakes you to the core.  It's contagious too.  It spreads to your family and your friends family, who is suffering immensely.  It's always hardest for the ones left behind.  And it hits so close to home for your family.  

I will never give up praying for a miracle.  But, it's a tough fight.  Sometimes we get tired and can't fight anymore.  I am praying for you my friend.  And thank you for being here for so long to share your journey with me.  I will always love you.  

I hope this blog made sense.  I've taken some anxiety meds so you never know.  Thank you all for your continuous prayers.  And please pray very hard for Gretchen Mitchell Anderson and her friends and family as well as Carmen Frye and Brad Graves and their friends and family.  I'm so blessed to have been able to get to know Gretchen and Carmen so well.  They have made such a lasting impact on my life through their relentless faith and fighting spirit.  God bless you all. 

2 Timothy 4:7
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have kept the faith."