Friday, June 19, 2015

Results, My Fashionista Spleen, and Cancer

As most of you on facebook know, I once again, by the grace of God, got results with no active cancer.  So, the tarceva is still working!  I had the pulmonologist pull the radiology report yesterday for me so I could read it last night.  I was fairly certain that everything was good...but one statement had me second guessing myself.

According to the radiology report, I have an "accessory spleen".  What the what?  I googled it, and apparently 10% of the population have it as well.  It's like a second, smaller spleen or spleen tissue.  It was the first time it had been mentioned on my radiology report so I was concerned but my oncologist quickly assured me that it was no big deal.  He compared it to an accessory, such as the hair extensions I failed to wear to the appointment today.  Then he went on to make fun of my tarceva hair.  Funny guy, that one.  I really do like him, we have similar personalities.

So, all in all it was a very good day.  I know it wasn't a good day in cancerland for everyone, this is hard too.  You see, when you are diagnosed with cancer, your circle of friends widens and extends to people you rarely (if ever) talked to before.  These people share the cancer bond with you.  So, you become close, sharing your fears, anxieties, ailments, sadness, and joy.  The hard part is when you get a good result and they don't.  Or if you don't even have results and their health begins to decline.  Sometimes you lose them.  This is so hard on so many levels emotionally.  It's like living in a different world.  One day they are there and the next time you reach out, you don't get a response, and you just know.  You either didn't get a chance to say goodbye or saying goodbye would make them lose hope.  But, you want them to know you love them.  They've been there for you and you for them and you've become so close it's hard to imagine not being able to talk or message them again.  It's one thing to drift away as friends.  Death is a whole different form of torture for the ones left behind.  And who knows, you could be next.

I know God has a plan for all of us.  I'm looking forward to finding out what that is one day.  Until then, I'm praying for my friends Gretchen, Carmen, Angel, Lysa, and Brad Graves....and a secret one.  Thank you all for your continuous prayers for us.  They mean more than you can ever fathom.

I'm getting ready for bed now, Battle of Atlanta tomorrow so I get to watch the karate kids!  Thank you all again and thank you Lord for another day.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Bye Bye Pneumonia, Hello Scanxiety

Oh how I love this roller coaster (insert sarcastic look here).  Why do these bouts of scanxiety keep getting longer and longer?  Simple.  I've been on tarceva a long time.  2.5 years to be exact.  A great many lung cancer patients don't have that kind of progression free survival time, so I have been very blessed.

As you know, I got pneumonia last week.   Or it seems, since I'm feeling better after the steroids (and an additional 5 lbs.).  The scary part for me is that the pain was coming from where my primary tumor is.  I know, I know, you can't feel cancer in the lungs.  But, it's still a scary thought.  I wish I knew already what was going on in there.  But, I don't.  And that is where the faith comes in.  I'm not perfect though, I do worry but faith is what keeps me sane.

I recently found my camcorder charger.  I was going through old videos from when Karley was so little.  The moments captured were wonderful.  It's amazing to see the young lady she's becoming before my eyes.  She watched with me, and later that night wanted to snuggle so much.  She said, "Mama, you are the best mommy ever and after watching those videos it makes me sad to think something could happen to you".  I just held her close and tried to reassure her that I'm here now, and that's what really matters.  We can't worry about the future.  (I sound like a hypocrite now with my scanxiety worries)

Also, I didn't let her see the videos I made when I was first diagnosed.   Man, I miss my hair.  But, I could tell how much I was hurting emotionally.  I feel like I've become such a different person.  Back then I was spitting out everything I thought I could tell her to fulfill a lifetime, only to realize that it isn't possible.  We have to do what we can with the time we have now.  You never know when it'll be cut short.

God designed this life to live according to His plan, not our own.  Wisdom acknowledges this.  We have to believe "Father Knows Best".  My beliefs on here may not always be popular, but maybe this is my purpose....just to reach someone else through this blog.

So, I'll keep trying to stay positive as the clock slowly ticks away until June 19th when I get my new results.  Thank you for all your continuous prayers.  They are always such a blessing.  Please continue to keep Gretchen Mitchell Anderson, Carmen Frye, Brad Graves, and another unspoken request, along with their families in your prayers.  I know they appreciate them.