Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Roller coasters

It's been a while since my last post.  I was in a funk for a bit but things have been looking up.  I know I go back and forth, but it's just part of this roller coaster grieving process.

Since my last post, I've seen a counselor regarding Karley's nighttime behavior.  A month or so ago she began waking up and crying and night, sleepwalking too.  She would cry for me and no matter how many times I put her back in her bed she would not remain there.  I eventually gave in and let her sleep with me.  This continued until now, she just routinely sleeps with me.  The counselor let me know this was okay, and maybe she was feeling some abandonment issues due to my recent bout with depression and distance.

Wow, what a wake up call!   It made sense.  She will not sleep unless she is somehow touching me.  I don't want her to feel abandoned or "leave her before I leave her".  She is the most important thing on this earth to me and I felt so guilty for making her feel this way.  Since this meeting, I've been slowly but surely enjoying every moment with her more.  I love her more than words can say.

My best friend, Amanda, along with her children, Ashleigh and Connor, came down to visit this past weekend.  We had a blast!  Although Ashleigh is old enough to watch Karley and Connor, I wanted to be at home with the kids instead of going out.  I love Amanda for being such a great friend, so honest and blunt with me.  We did have one girl's night out, but it wasn't a late one.  It rained a lot, but it didn't ruin our good time.  We even made a trip to Jacksonville for some laser tag.  I've attached a few pictures from the weekend.

I'm so blessed to have this time with my sweet angel and wonderful friends.  I haven't laughed so hard in a long time.  Life is so precious and we take so much for granted.

On another note, my family and friends are participating in the Free to Breathe Atlanta 5k on August 17th in the Vinings area.  If you would like to join us, here is the link to our team page http://participate.freetobreathe.org/goto/Team_Clayco

Thank you all for your continuous prayers and support!  Please continue to pray for Reggie, Tim, Marjorie, and Gretchen!

Miracles happen.

My favorite verse:
Matthew 19:26 NIV
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

Wednesday, July 3, 2013


Ok, so I know that so many people have it worse than me.   Really, they do.   The problem, maybe I'm selfish.  It's been 7 months since I was diagnosed.  In that 7 months, I've been through every stage of grief except acceptance.   I think in the beginning my denial and isolation was indicated by the fact that I was so positive but didn't want to talk about it.   Without my hair falling out and the short period of time, it wasn't real.  I was going to be fine.  I would get rid of the cancer and move on.

Then came the anger.   I was angry that this happened to me.   I was angry, that chances are, I will not get to see Karley graduate from high school or get married, maybe even date.   That is devastating.   I brought this beautiful, wonderful person into the world, took care of her every day, and now, I can't even be around her when she is sick.  What kind of mother am I?  I can't be there for her when she is sick.   I was angry for a long time.  I can't say I'm not still angry about it.

After the anger came the bargaining.   I thought, maybe if I got a second opinion, I could get better.   Or if I were a better person, things would be different.  Somehow I was going to be okay.   I think bargaining and denial are a lot alike.

Finally, acceptance.   I think I'm getting there.   I've realized this disease is not going anywhere until there is a cure.   I'm not going to live long if there is no cure.   This terrible mutation and has taken over my life.  I can't think of much more every single day.

I live on an island.   I'm not supposed to be in the sun.  Yet, I live on an island!  Everyone here is on vacation or the locals live at the beach.   There isn't much to do but the pool and the beach.   So, how fun of a mom am I now?   I can't be fun and I can't be a good caretaker.  

Please don't tell me to stay positive or keep my head up.   I had to vent tonight, and at the age I am, with this prognosis, I have a right.   Everyone says, "just keep hanging on, maybe there will be a cure".   Well, there isn't one yet.   I hope there may be one in the future, but as of now, my future looks very dire.   I'm tired of crying and trying all that I can to pull myself out of this funk.   I'm just not sure that I can right now.  I have to have more time to wallow.   I'm living in a world that is full of life, I just don't feel like I'm a part of the living right now, yet I'm not dead.   It's the worst feeling in the world.  

I hope you all can understand, please continue your prayers for my friends (Reggie, Marjorie, Gretchen, Tim, and Courtney) and me.   I may be throwing a pity party for a bit, but I still need them.   I don't want to give up hope.